Pagan Blog Project: Comparing Pagan Gods to the God of Classical Theism

Pagan Fridays here at The Druid Bird… can you tell I’m a philosophy student?

This is a theme that I’ve been wanting to explore for a while now, and I’m quite excited to be able to do it.

We’ll start with the basics for all those who haven’t studied philosophy/R.S/R.E to a decent level.

Omnipotent means all-powerful, omnibenevolent means all loving, omniscient means all-knowing and transcendent means above or beyond the range of human comprehension or understanding.

The God of Classical Theism (the God of the Muslims, Christians and Jews) has a small problem, something that is known in philosophy as ‘the inconsistent triangle’ he has to be both omnipotent and omnibenevolent- but if he is both these things, then how can evil exist in the world?

Followers of the God of Classical Theism have come up with many counter arguments for this problem, from free will to original sin- but that’s not what I want to talk about here.

What I want to talk about here is how the God of Classical Theism compares to the Pagan Gods.

So, God of Classical Theism = omnipotent, omnibenevolent and omniscient… what about the Pagan Gods?

In general the Pagan Gods/Gods of Polytheism/’gods’ (however you want to refer to them) are not omnipotent, omnibenevolent or omniscient… in fact, some of them can be downright malevolent.

So why, you may ask, would anyone want to worship a deity who might not have the power, inclination or knowledge to help you? Well the answer is very simple- they may not be all knowing or all powerful- but they’ve got much more of those qualities than we do.

The gods are ancient, they have lived through the entire life of the planet and therefore have untold wisdom. I don’t think there can ever be such qualities as omnipotence or omniscience in anything, I don’t believe there’s such a thing as perfect- everything has some flaw.

Another point is that it makes them more relatable, more human- we can see that they have flaws like we do, and so don’t feel stupid if we screw up in front of them (tripping over your ritual robe, reading out the wrong prayer, calling a god by the wrong name… you get the jist) we can see them laughing along with us as we blush and correct ourselves, not staring impassively down.

The keen-eyed amongst you may have spotted that I’ve left a little something out… omnibenevolence.

I left it until last because I thought it was the most challenging question… why would you want to worship a deity that isn’t omnibenevolent?

For me this is one of the most interesting and hard to answer questions… I worship deities that are malevolent- that would cause harm. I do this purely out of respect, the world is a cruel place- it annoys me when some people glorify nature and go on and on about its beauty and ‘returning to the land’ when actually nature can be harsh and cruel. I grew up on a farm with a grandma who was an expert at cooking offal; I’m a very down to earth woman when it comes to food and nature.

There needs to be harshness in the world- we can’t all be wonderful, lovely people. I worship gods that are benevolent and malevolent because I feel that for the world to work we have to have balance… and we have to accept that there will be darkness.

We as human beings have a tendency to block things out and try to ignore them- but this approach leads to ignorance and ignorance to fear, if we walk away from our malevolent gods then we begin to fear them and all that they are associated with.

Also, having a perfect God who can fix all our problems takes the responsibility away from us, the one thing I like about being Pagan and working with the gods that I work with is that at the end of the day I have to work things out for myself. The gods will answer if I pray- but not how you would expect. They won’t make the thing that I need pop up in front of me, instead they’ll give me the courage and resources to go out and get what I want for myself.

The gods deal with life in a pragmatic way- take Morrigan, goddess of death (and many other things, but we’ll focus on death here)- most people think that having a goddess of death is depressing and morbid- but it’s not, it’s practical and healthy. The ancient Celts lived in a dangerous world filled with courage, honour and war. They had to deal with violence and with death on a regular basis, and having a goddess that represented it helped them deal with and make sense of the emotions that they were feeling. I’d rather worship Morrigan than live in a world where I deal with bereavement and death by not thinking about it.

One of the main reasons why I don’t follow the God of Classical Theism is that I don’t believe he deals with life. His perfect qualities make him incomprehensible and unrelatable, he faces the darkness of the world with a shiny white light that we can’t hope to replicate and has a sanitised approach.

The Pagan gods get down and dirty, they make fun of you, laugh at you and cry with you. They let you swear at them when something goes wrong but blast you apart of you cross them…

But then again, deity is transcendent… so everything I’ve just said could be utter balls.

Blessed be,

Wren x

Losing My Support and Preparing for the Inevitable

I’m trying to be a good girl.

I got some bad news- one of my best friends is leaving school. He’s coming back in september but is going to redo the year.

He’s the only person who listens to me, I have a habit of talking to myself and singing which everyone ignores- except him, he’ll start singing the same song as me or laugh at a joke I’ve just cracked even if we’re in a noisy room and there’s no way he should have heard. He’s the only one who knows when I’m upset and who hunts me down and makes me tell him. He takes everything I throw at him and never gets angry at me. He’s one of my best friends and now I have to face exam time without him.

I know I can do it, I know I’m strong enough, but right now this is not what I wanted to hear. He’s at school for two more days and then I probably won’t see him for sixth months.

For me it’s like a smack in the face, I know it’s nothing personal- but it still hurts a hell of a lot, I’m scared that without him I’ll feel like I’m drowning again.

A couple of things are bothering me at the moment- but I’ll put them in separate posts, I don’t want to info dump in one.

One of them is that I’m going on holiday to Italy straight after the exams (I know, I know, it’s alright for some!) so obviously I’m going to need to wear short sleeves, skirts and shorts… but this is straight after the exams, a period of HIGH stress- and therefore a period of self harm.

I self harmed a LOT during my GCSE exams, my hallucinations/delusions/paranoia built up to a point where I put myself in danger. I had horrible nightmares and generally didn’t know how to cope. Looking back I’m amazed that I managed to get through that period relatively unscathed.

I have to be practical- and I’ll probably need to try and broach a conversation with my Ma at some point.

’til next time

Wren x

The Exams Cometh

It’s sunny outside.. and I’m going to ramble on about something or other, not sure what yet.

I had a little cry in the shower last night, I’m not sure why… I remember being really relieved that I could actually cry though, so at least that’s something to be happy about.

My mood’s really odd at the moment, I feel all adventurous and relaxed- and yet at the same time I feel really, really stressed.

My exams are coming and it’s slightly terrifying. I’ve done a little revision this afternoon and am tempted to try and do a bit more, I reckon I could get 1/6 of it done in the next few hours if I tried… but should I prioritize that over the essay that needs to be in for Tuesday? I’m really scared about this essay, it’s a philosophy one and I got a D in my last attempt. If I try at this one and still fail then I’m honestly going to cry, I’m trying my best and I just can’t get it.

CAMHS have abandoned me, the proverbial safety net has been removed- if I fall I’m going to break my neck. I’ll be fine, it’ll just bloody hurt.

If the sun’s out where you are then enjoy it 🙂

Wren x

Pagan Blog Project: Four Pillars of the Magus or The Witches Pyramid

Pagan Fridays are back once more…

The four pillars of the Magus- more commonly known as the Witches pyramid- are four aspects/skills that help deepen our understanding of the craft and give us guidelines with which to live.

They are:

To Know

Corresponds with air; to know is all about intellect and ‘book learning’ this pillar is one that I personally love to indulge in. Plain and basic knowledge is essential for practise of the craft- you can’t do anything if you don’t know what it is or why you’re doing it, and often the best way of finding these things out is through books. We aren’t all blessed with a physical teacher and so have to do the best we can with textbooks.

In my opinion ‘knowing’ is the foundation pillar, it forms the bedrock of our understanding of the craft, from this we can develop our understanding of the world and of ourselves, leading onto the other three pillars…

To Will

Corresponds with fire; will is all about inner strength and personal belief. We have to believe in ourselves and our abilities for them to work. If you do a spell and sit around thinking it’s not going to work, I know it’s not going to work… then it won’t work! You’re sending out ridiculous amounts of negative energy and destroying the delicate threads of magick you’ve just woven.

Will is about being certain about yourself and your actions, without strong self belief you can be swayed by others- sometimes into doing things you don’t want to. As a Witch you need to take responsibility for your actions, at the end of the day it will be you reaping the consequences- whatever they turn out to be.

But it’s not all negative and scary- will is about having the courage to stand up and walk the other way to everyone else, will is that little thing inside you that gives you the courage to physically stand up from your chair and walk from the room when you feel the need to protest what is being said, will is the thing that makes you shout loud enough to be heard, whatever the consequences.

Will is deep, silent courage that makes sure you stay true to your heart.

To Dare

Corresponds with water; to dare is a more obvious form of courage.

Starting to work with magick is terrifying, I know that it was months before I could turn out the lights without praying for protection from my patroness, Brighid. This may sound a little extreme but you have to take into account the fact that I had A) just stopped being a devout Christian and B) was essentially accepting the fact that I was playing with the fabric of the universe.

Both of those things meant that I was really, genuinely scared at the thought of casting spells. But it didn’t stop me. I kept pushing on, praying and protecting myself as much as I could, and eventually the fear faded away.

I’ve been scared in other areas too, scared when I had to give a presentation on Paganism to a group of Muslim students, scared of telling my dad about my faith, scared of having to deal with the death of a loved one, scared of having to live without someone, scared of being alone. There are so many things I could list here, but every time I’ve stood up and faced it.

Daring is about trying things, it’s about meeting new people or volunteering for something. In my experience it either fizzles out or goes really well, so really there are no downsides… if you don’t dare to try things then you’ll never know.

By its very nature the craft is frightening, you’re messing around with the intangible fabric of the universe- if you screw up it’s not going to be pretty- but if you do nothing you gain nothing.

To Be Silent

Corresponds with earth; is perhaps the most fundamental and yet unappreciated pillar.

I’m good at being silent, I’ve been silent for the best part of my life. Within Wicca, Witchcraft, Paganism… whatever name applies to you and your path… it’s vitally important to keep silent about some things.

Part of this is practicality, I come from a very open environment and am surrounded by very open and accepting people, I know from talking to other people, even ones who live in the same town as me, that things aren’t always as easy as I’ve had them. There are things that I wouldn’t tell other people about- just because they wouldn’t get it, they wouldn’t understand, and people feel threatened by what they don’t understand.

The other part is that the craft is complicated and personal, when we stand in the circle we stand as ourselves at our most vulnerable, our most honest and open. We see parts of other people that they might not want us to… and that’s why we have to be silent. Keeping things inside of ourselves keeps them precious, it keeps them important and sacred.

Cheers for reading,
Wren x

The Pitfalls of Being a Psych Student and a Fifth Wheel

Being a mentally ill A-level psychology student allows you to understand exactly how your brain fucks itself up.

Yeah, I know- really helpful.

I realised that when I woke up this morning with a stinking horrible cold and thought: hmm, my adrenal cortex is working overtime releasing corticosteroids which is then causing my thymus gland to shrink, reducing the production of T cells and meaning that I can’t fight off potential infection.

I then felt like weeping.

Not only am I depressed, I’m ill. Oh, and my stress levels have rocketed. I don’t really know what else to say, I can’t distinguish between the crapiness of illness and the crapiness of depression, it’s all merged together into a big depressing ball of awfulness.

I’d also like to apologise for my language… I don’t swear that much in real life (is it bad that I just typed IRL and then went back and deleted it?) and this is kind of becoming a ramble-y post… but then I have spent most of today collapsed over a desk drinking water and feeling sorry for myself.

CAMHS are still avoiding me. I’m not going to look up when my last appointment was, that’ll just piss me off. Okay, so my psych nurse is ill, I can appreciate that- I’m not a total bitch, but they can at least try and arrange some kind of cover. I know I’m not a potential axe murderer or anything but it’s not fair to leave me in the lurch like this. I feel all lonely and rejected.

I’d share some awesome photos with you but SOMEONE keeps forgetting to stick them on Facebook, so I can’t.

I’ve been kind of bright today, but I think that was cos my best friends weren’t around (okay, now I sound like a bitch!) in all seriousness though, sometimes they’re really suffocating. There’s five of us- me, Claire, Jess, Michael and Callum. Claire and Michael are a couple and Callum and Jess are a couple… seeing any problems here? They think it’s fine to piss everybody else off by constantly doing things as just the five of us, but it means that I spend most of the time feeling lonely and isolated- and get shunned by all my other friends for being associated with those four.

So I basically spend all my free time watching my friends be all lovey dovey with each other whilst I sit on the floor by myself (literally in most cases) and every time I complain I get told to stop whining.

Haha, I think that was my gripe for the day.

Hope everyone’s well 🙂

Wren x

The Weather May Change, But My Mood Stays the Same…

I want to start this post by saying a huge thank you to anyone who commented, liked or even read the last post… opening the laptop this afternoon to find those comments and stats was amazing, it validated everything I’ve been feeling and made me realise that I’m allowed to be upset sometimes.

So, life at the moment is alright. I really need to cry- I’ve needed to cry since Wednesday but haven’t actually managed to produce any tears. I think that seven hour crying spree dried me up. My tear ducts must look like raisins or something.

My eyes are kind of prickling as I type… come on tears! It may sound like a weird thing to want but crying is therapeutic for me. It’s a way of safely and normally expressing emotion.

Today is the Spring Equinox/Ostara. I could write something seasonally appropriate… or I could refer you to my epic post on Pagan festivals.

My arm’s started to heal, it hurt like a bitch yesterday but is now on the road to recovery. I’m glad, I went much deeper than I’ve ever gone before and it was horrible. It hurt all day yesterday, after I’d just done it I remember it felt like my skin was on fire and I thought I was going to vomit.

One thing that pissed me off was that my friend (the one who tried to top herself and generally pissed me off) saw and decided to try and give me counselling. Okay, I was a bitch to her, she kept doing the face and stage whispering: if you need to talk you know where I am. Like she’s the fucking grown up in our relationship! No dear, I look after you (and try and stop you from killing yourself) not the other way around.

The thing is that I self harm for completely different reasons to her, what we do may have the same outcome (I’m a hell of a lot discreet-er about it though) but the reasons why are totally different. I self harm for control- so if you even try and infer that I should stop I’ll rip your head off (verbally, I’m only 5ft 1″) I’ll cut down, I barely do it anymore- but I won’t stop. Anyway, for me talking about self harm see here.

I was also talking to my friend (the one I bitched out the other week) he’s officially one of the loveliest people in the world, he’s been so nice and kind and sweet to me and I want to give him a big hug to say thank you… but I’m not a huggy person, so that might be weird.

Now I’ve got to go and do some filing. Yeah, filing… I was reading something about coping with depression last night and it said to get rid of any stressors… tell that to my bloody teachers.

I spent today being told that I’m not putting enough effort in (it wasn’t specifically me, it was the whole class) which is bullcrap. I put so much fucking effort in and it’s never enough. I care what you fucking tell me, I can’t revise if you set me shitloads of homework to do! I have a life outside of school, I refuse to do anything less than my best in these exams but right now I’m sleeping 10+ hours a night and still barely have enough energy to put my make-up on in the morning so I’m sorry if I’m not doing extra reading around the subject in my spare time.

I need to go and do stuff now… *sigh* sometimes it feels like I’m banging my head against a brick wall. Nothing I do is good enough.

Hope everyone’s well and sane and stuff 🙂

’til next time

Wren x

 

Helplessness, Depression and Other Miserable Whinings

I don’t really know what to say… should I sit here and write about how things have been in the last few days? About how my mood’s been at rock bottom and how I’ve been falling back into old habits and coping mechanisms… should I sit here and tell you that I seem to be becoming a child again?

I don’t know, I don’t know- it feels like even my grim and persistent sense of humour is failing me.

I’m in pain, my arms and legs are killing me and I can’t tell anyone- self-injury doesn’t get sympathy. I had more blood today than I’ve ever had before, I peered down my sleeve ten or so minutes after I’d cleaned myself up and rejoined the living to find that it had bled again and covered the skin of my forearm.

I’ve cleaned myself up properly but am not looking forward to showering tonight.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me, at the moment I’m trying to stay calm. Depression sometimes feels like claustrophobia, the moment you realise how trapped you are you get scared and lash out and end up hurting yourself.

Because this is the internet and all anonymous I feel okay to admit thatI’m scared.

I feel like a little child wandering about in a big world, and I have to deal with this on my own- I’ve always had to, and I always will have to. I have to ease my Ma through what’s wrong with me and gently explain and sanitize things for my friends. I have to cope with my Dad losing control and rationalise his behaviour.

I’m sorry, but I’m the one in need of help here… I put every bit of energy I have into hiding what’s wrong, into being normal- and sometimes I’m tired.

People think I’m much more capable than I am, they think that because I want them to, because I do everything in my power to make it that way. But at the end of the day I don’t know what to do, and I need help.

My CAMHS nurse is god knows where- well, I think she’s ill- but when she gets back I’m not getting in touch. I’ve been in therapy for two and a half years and kept every single appointment. My social worker commented on it a lot, she said that I was very unusual in that respect. I don’t want to see anyone at the moment, I’m angry and hurt and rejected, and I know it’s just a fact of life but I don’t want to be sensible anymore.

I’m sick of hiding and being nice and good- I’m angry and I’m hurt, and I have the right to sit and cry and be a bitch sometimes.

I don’t want to go into all the shit about why I feel I have to be perfect and stick to the rules- that’s something for another day and going over it will only make me upset.

Thanks to everyone reading and everyone who’s offered support, I promise I’ll be back with it soon- things are just pretty shit at the moment 🙂

Wren x

 

Pagan Blog Project: Festivals in Depth

Pagan Fridays here on the Druid Bird! (yeah, I feel like a radio DJ or something…)

So, this weeks topic is festivals– I’m writing this from a general Pagan (leaning toward Wiccan) standpoint, I’m also putting in my own thoughts (I practise Druidry, not Wicca) so if there are bits you don’t quite get than that’ll be why. (oh, and the dates apply for the northern hemisphere, flip them around for the southern hemisphere.)

Winter Solstice/Yule

21st/22nd December

This is the time to think about the darkness, at this point the world is at its most barren and empty. You can celebrate by holding a vigil through the night and lighting lots of candles to aid the sun on the darkest day.

I find this to be a really moving and terrifying time of the year- my top tip would be to ban electric lights on Solstice night, trust me, it really makes an impact on you- especially if you’re doing the all night vigil. You really begin to realise how the ancestors would have felt and it’s easier to connect with the gods.

Did you know: Druids celebrate Alban Arthan on this day- this is the death of the Holly King who resembles the Wren.

Imbolc

1st/2nd February

Festival of the Goddess Brighid, all about new life and the world. Important day in weather prediction- folklore states that this is the day that the Cailleach comes out to collect firewood, if she wants winter to be prolonged she’ll make the day bright and sunny so that she can collect a lot in order to stage a second winter… that theory came true this Imbolc (well, at least for us here in Yorkshire.)

As well as this Imbolc is also the traditional time for initiations and is seen as a very feminine festival.

Imbolc is sometimes seen as the New Year- though others celebrate this on the 1st of November- it’s argued that Samhain is the end of the year and Imbolc the beginning- the time in between being dedicated to the darkness. This is a beautiful time of year as you know winter is beginning to give up its fight.

Did you know: Imbolc means ‘ewe’s milk’ it’s called this because Imbolc is about purification and the Goddess Brighid and milk is seen as a purifying substance.

Spring Equinox/Ostara

21st/22nd March

When the world tips into summer 🙂 in Wiccan lore this is the time that the Goddess is impregnated by the God.

Equinoxes are the tipping points of the year when the world falls either into summer or winter, thought in Wicca they are known as the ‘lesser sabbats’ they are still important.

Did you know: this festival is connected to the Anglo-Saxon Goddess Eostre.

Beltane

1st May

Beltane is about fire and fertility- the marriage of the King and Queen of the May. This is the time of the Fey (fairies/faeries/fay/fae) during Beltane we are closer to their world than at other times of the year.

Lighting bonfires and marriage processions are common aspects of Beltane festivals.

Beltane is known as ‘the sex festival’ amongst my friends… though personally I think of it as the time of the Fey, creatures who are best left to their own devices (I try to respect them but otherwise stay away) and it’s at the opposite spoke of the wheel to Samhain, which makes it important by association.

Did you know: Beltane was the inspiration for May Day (and all the *cough* interesting activities associated with that) want to know the point of the May Pole? LOOK at it and THINK… yep; nice, big, firm pole sticking up from the ground… I’ll let your mind do the rest.

Summer Solstice/Litha

21st/22nd June

Celebrate the sun, the masculine and the Green Man on Midsummer’s day. You can celebrate by keeping a vigil from dusk til dawn and spending as much time out in the sun as possible.

Staying up all night is a really wonderful way to spend Midsummer- whether it’s on your own or at somewhere like Stonehenge with a group of people- it contrasts so much with Yule that it leaves an impact… thought I would advise starting out holding a dusk til dawn vigil on Midsummer and then doing one on Yule, just so that you know what to expect from staying up the whole night. The warmth in the world is really amazing to experience on Midsummer, you can feel the power of the sun as it peeks above the horizon.

Did you know: the Midsummer moon is known as the Honey Moon because the wedding ceremonies performed around this time involved mead made from fermented honey.

Lughnasadh/Lammas

1st August

Lammas: is all about bread, grain and harvest- bake to your heart’s content and make corn dollies.

Lughnasadh: honour the gods of the harvest and keep their favour so as to preserve the crops through the harvest. Have a feast and bless the fields.

I’m always on the road on Lughnasadh and come across so many little festivals going on the towns and villages that we drive through. We like to park the car on the side of the road by the corn fields and eat apples, throwing the core into the hedgerows once we’re done. Lughnasadh is about seeing the impregnated world, bursting at the seams with life.

Did you know: Lugh dedicated this festival to his foster-mother, Tailtiu, who gave her life clearing fields so that crops could be planted.

Autumn Equinox/Mabon

21st/22nd September

Here we tip into darkness, give thanks for fruit (especially apples) and think about balance in your life. This is an important time for gathering yourself together before facing the darkness.

Mabon is a time for gathering yourself together, preparing for the end and enjoying the last of the sunshine before it fades away. Here the young God is taken to the Underworld.

Did you know: Mabon was a man who was born with no father and then abducted from his mother, he was eventually found in the Underworld (the gods alone know why he was down there…) his time down there meant that he stayed young forever.

Samhain

31st October

This is the time when the veil between this world and the next is at its thinnest- allowing ones from either side to pass through.

Here we honour the sacred dead and the ancestors. Place pictures of lost loved ones on your altar, take a day to honour and remember them.

Place a candle or light in the window or outside to help guide the spirits, host a ‘dumb supper’ (a meal with places set for the deceased.)

The Goddess goes to the Underworld.

This is a time for reflecting on the past year and celebrating its end.

Samhain is a time to grieve- in the modern world we have a desperate fear of death, we think ourselves sophisticated because we’ve managed to break down the taboos surrounding sex, however we seem to have replaced them with taboos around death. Samhain breaks this down and gives us a day in which to celebrate loss and grief; because we can’t celebrate the light without acknowledging the dark.

Did you know: if you hear footsteps behind you on Samhain night don’t look back- it might be a spirit following you.

Thanks for reading 🙂

’til next time,

Wren x

and because I credit my sources:

http://www.adf.org/articles/gods-and-spirits/celtic/rethinking-imbolc.pdf

http://druidnetwork.org/en/learning/courses/online/shaping/samhain.htm

http://druidnetwork.org/en/learning/courses/online/shaping/autumnequinox.htm

http://druidnetwork.org/en/learning/courses/online/shaping/lughnasadh.htm

http://druidnetwork.org/en/learning/courses/online/shaping/summersolstice.htm

http://druidnetwork.org/learning/courses/online/shaping/beltane.htm

http://druidnetwork.org/learning/courses/online/shaping/beltane.htm

http://www.sheffieldmayday.ukf.net/archive/facts.htm

http://www.chiff.com/a/summer-solstice.htm

http://www.chalicecentre.net/lughnasadh.htm

http://paganwiccan.about.com/od/samhainoctober31/p/SamhainFolklore.htm

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wheel_of_the_year

When Sh-STUFF Happens

So… shit happened.

My mood was really high during the day yesterday and then tapered downwards until it got to about seven in the evening and I started crying… not normal kind of crying, proper, intense sobbing and wailing kind of crying.

I then didn’t stop crying until 2am when my tear ducts literally dried up- yes people, they can do this- well I hope they can do this, otherwise it’s just me.

I feel fairly shit at the moment, I’ve spent most of the day looking pretty shit too- my eyes were all puffy and half closed from the crying marathon. I though that they’d look better once I’d done my make-up but all it ended up doing was making them a little darker.

I spent last night feeling like the world was ending, I was sobbing for my social worker who left for a new job back in October, she was more of a Mother to me than my Ma’s ever been. She fought and fought to get me proper help and I owe her so much. I then started crying for my dog and crying for my Grandma and crying about my Dad and the men and all the other crap… yeah, there was a lot- hence why I was crying for seven hours (I’m not joking, I really did cry pretty much continuously- I cried through Eastenders AND I cried whilst I was making my tea…)

I can’t find the words to express how desperate I felt, I didn’t want to go to school or see anyone- and I certainly didn’t want hugs and sympathy and having to explain to everyone why I was upset (mostly cos ‘well I kind of HAVE DEPRESSION’ doesn’t seem to be a good enough explanation for most people) I woke up an hour before I usually do and felt so sick at the prospect of having to go to school that I thought I was going to vomit.

Thankfully I didn’t, instead I made myself presentable and walked to school, the look of pure despair on my face serving to create a kind of bubble of space around me and make people reluctant to meet my eye.

Nobody commented on my obviously depressed visage- apart from one person. *hangs head* I can’t tell you how guilty I feel for how I behaved, I just wanted him to get away from me and so I snapped at him quite a bit when he was only being lovely and caring. Oh god, part of me wants to apologise and weep at his feet and the other thinks that breaking away from him is good- that way I don’t have to trust him. Trusting people is risky in my world. Last night I realised that even the people I thought I could trust I actually can’t… everyone leaves and I end up alone. That’s how it’s always been.

Right now I’m trying to focus on constructive things to get through- stuff like the history essay I have to write up tonight and my post for the Pagan Blog Project on Friday.

I just need to keep edging forward- I know I can get through this even though right now it feels like the weight of everything is pressing down on me, I feel like I can’t breathe sometimes and the pain inside my chest is so bad that I keep expecting to look down and see myself bleeding (that’s emotional pain- my heart’s fine… well, I HOPE it’s fine…)

’til next time,

Wren x

On Authority

I should get some kind of award- I’m sat typing this in the school library (again) this is the third computer I’ve tried to log onto and now it’s refusing to take my memory stick- instead of stomping my feet and crying I’ve decided just to screw the system, type this on a word document and email it to myself.

Speaking of emails I finally got around to checking my inbox today for the first time in about six months- I have a total of 67 unread emails… thankfully they’re all just notifications and stuff, nothing important.

Anyway, in future I vow to get better at checking my inbox- I also think that I should actually put my email up somewhere on this blog in case people want to contact me… there are also about a million things that I could and should be doing right now other than typing this. But who cares.

Today I want to write about something important that I’ve been noticing for a long time but really hit me the other day, it’s when you realise that someone bigger and more important than you is wrong.

I find that this generally happens in regard to my religion. I remember a while ago I was reading a book by Emma Restall Orr, one of my idols, and found that I disagreed with a point that she made. I had a horrible moment of questioning myself and my beliefs before suddenly realising that it was okay.

Yes, she’s a bigger and more important and more intelligent and more experienced person than I am… but we’re not the same person, and I don’t have to agree with her on everything just because she’s more experienced than I am.

It happened to me again on a larger scale when reading another book on Wicca- I can’t remember who it was by off the top of my head- and finding that I disagreed with almost everything that the author was saying. That doesn’t mean that either of us was or is wrong, it just means that we have different opinions and different experiences.

I think it’s a very sobering and defining moment to realise that you disagree with someone high up in your faith on something. It kind of made me feel like a real Pagan, like I had enough knowledge and enough experience to actually disagree intelligently (not just because I was being stubborn) about something.

I have a difficult relationship with authority. I always have had- and by that I don’t mean that I rebel or try and break away at every opportunity- I mean that I follow it blindly. I’m absolutely terrified of doing something wrong.

It’s gotten me into awful situations- and when I say that I really mean awful. I don’t want to go into graphic detail when I’m writing in a public place, but I’ll say that it’s lead to things that I will always regret.

So for me the outwardly rather unremarkable moment of sitting reading a book in my room one evening lead to perhaps one of the defining moments of my life, and certainly one of the defining moments of my time as a Pagan.

Sometimes authority is wrong. Sometimes we have to stand on our own two feet and walk the opposite way to everyone else. It’s hard and it’s horrible- especially for people like me, the idea of breaking rules or being different makes me break out in a cold sweat. I have this stupid ingrained belief that someone will always disprove anything I say, someone will always have a better argument and make me look like an idiot- and so I should just believe what other people say.

Well I won’t.

We all have the freedom to think and believe what we want- if we can back something up then it’s rational. We don’t have to follow the crowd, we don’t have to cry when someone dies, we don’t have to be sympathetic to bullies, we don’t have to follow what people say because they’re older than us.

(I mean, follow common sense- if your Ma tells you to do something and it makes sense then do it! Don’t be a stubborn arsehole and end up getting screwed over.)

The point I am trying to make is that other people are not gods- don’t follow them blindly and assume they know better than you.

’til next time,

Wren x