Those of you who’ve followed this blog for a while may be starting to notice a pattern- when there is a gap in posting it generally means that shit had happened…
So yeah, erm, shit seriously happened… two weeks ago today my Auntie felt ill, went into A&E (oh god, this is already starting to sound like a clichéd teen novel *sigh*) where she collapsed and was put on life support. I spent most of my evenings sat in ITU with her until Saturday when I went out to one of my oldest friend’s eighteenth- came back home, walked into the house to find Ma standing listlessly in the hallway holding my Auntie’s handbag and staring into space.
I knew as soon as I saw Ma that she’d died… those of you who’ve been following this blog for a REALLY long time will remember me talking about my Auntie who was in a coma a couple of years ago- well this is a DIFFERENT Auntie… seems that my family is cursed.
It’s been really weird, I thought I’d react exactly the same as when Bea took her life before xmas- but I haven’t, when she first got taken into hospital I didn’t sleep, I cried all the time and was generally hysterical but since she’s died I’ve felt nothing. I’ve barely even cried. I have periods where I think about her and I can’t breathe- I just literally can’t breathe, but I don’t feel sad. I think I just kind of feel overwhelmed and exhausted by it all.
More than anything I wish I could grieve, I wish I could sit and sob like I did for Bea- but for some reason I just can’t, it’s like I feel nothing for her- which is bullshit. I’ve been incredibly close to her my whole life and the thought of never seeing her again is horrible- but I just can’t feel anything.
There’s lots of other stuff whirling about in my head at the moment- but I’m going to stick to this for now- I’m a little bit too jumbled up to think of anything else.
’til next time,