My mum’s been crying- apparently things with my Auntie aren’t looking good. I couldn’t really ask for any clarification on the situation, she was pretty upset- and still is.
I’m pissed off at the moment. Pissed at my friends mainly, I recently got an invitation from one of my friends asking me to a party- she’s not one of the people that I’m really angry at, we get on quite well and she hasn’t done anything to upset me. It’s the first kind of contact I’ve had in over a month from anyone, I feel incredibly lonely at the moment. I’m terrified about my Auntie and am trying to look after my mum and brother and shoulder most of the emotional crap that’s coming from them. I‘m not saying it’s a bad thing, or complaining about it- I like having something useful to do for once.
I want someone to comfort me.
It’s all I’ve ever wanted. The worst moments are when I’m losing at and the pain inside is so bad that it seems to claw its way out, leaving me sat there, on the floor with my arms wrapped so tightly around myself that I can barely breathe in a pathetic attempt at self comfort.
I have all these emotions rapidly firing off in various directions and I really don’t know what to do with myself. This next week’s going to be hectic- on Friday the hospital make some sort of decision as to what to do about my Auntie but we’re going to be in Suffolk. Mum said that we may have to drive back home on Friday if the need arises.
I don’t know what we’re going to do if she dies. These last few days it’s felt like she’s going to be alright- like she’s just going to hop up and be fine again. I don’t do half measures and I’ve already gone through the ‘grieving’ and ‘relieved’ stages. I’ve been through the emotional response to both of the possible outcomes. I feel like a broken record, constantly on repeat.
My mum was upset so she wanted a night in front of the telly, so I took her place and went with my dad to see a performance by the Ukulele Project at the theatre. It was pretty awesome and lifted my spirits for the night. I would highly recommend them to anyone, they play fantastic music (I got so excited whenever they did a little drumbeat on the ukuleles, it was pretty geeky) and are very funny, in a cute, whimsical kind of way… and no, they’re not paying me to say this- trust me, if I had any kind of money I’d be out of this house in a heartbeat.
It was disgustingly hot today, I had to walk a loooong way from Trax to get home, mum and dad had gone to the hospital and I was too sore to go on my bike (the less said about that the better) so I made the long trek home through town.
I feel quite justified in describing the walk as a ‘fucking slog through the desert’ though I have been told that I’m good at utilising the hyperbole.
*Sigh* I have many more rants to write tonight, but for now feel free to enjoy some of my holiday snaps from my time in sunny Shrewsbury- yes, I know it’s not exactly Florida, but it’s as hot as I can deal with without passing out!
Listening to: Jenny was a Friend of Mine by The Killers; this is such a fucking creepy song! Seriously, I love it but it really scares me.
Hello people of the world! I’m not dead; I’ve been in Shrewsbury for a few days.
I should add that I didn’t choose it- I was there against my will, though not in a ‘kidnapped’ way. My Dad found a deal online for a cheap hotel room. There were four of us in a confined space for two days- and yes, it was as bad as it sounds.
We spent Tuesday walking around Shrewsbury in the midday heat. We walked for at least a couple of miles down a smelly canal with no shade. I’m also on the rag which didn’t exactly help matters.
At one point I was about 20 or so metres behind the rest of my family. I could barely move thanks to the pain around my stomach and lower back (we’re talking about period pain here ladies and gentlemen…) my feet weren’t in a brilliant condition either.
The one good point was that I was carrying the food- meaning that they couldn’t leave me behind, and that they had to wait for me to catch up at my own pace. It was a nasty experience; I don’t fare well in hot weather!
The back end of last week was extremely unpleasant. We got the news that my Auntie had developed a chest infection, meaning that they couldn’t operate within the 72 hour window that they had. My Mum was hysterical, she just collapsed on me- we really thought she wasn’t going to make it.
But fortunately she survived the night and the operation the next morning went as well as it could have.
They’ve stopped the medically induced coma and are now waiting for her to wake up- apparently she’s now in a normal, non medically induced coma- which is a little more worrying.
We don’t know how much brain damage there’s going to be, it’s not going to be easy for anyone involved.
I’m off to Suffolk next week (well, this Saturday) I’m exhausted and I just want to stay at home! I really don’t fancy tramping around the South for a week (no offence) I hope it rains. Hahaha, I sound like a right miserable git…
In other (slightly old) news I got a letter!
I peeled back a little of the flap to be greeted with this sight:
My exact response was, and I quote;
I assumed that it would either be about getting me less treatment, not a good thing because I’m pretty mental at the moment, or getting me more treatment which would also be a not very good thing because I literally can’t move for appointments.
It was actually a notice for my next appointment with my psych nurse, who has been ill for a while, so all was good in the Wren house.
I have a lot of things to talk about at the moment- namely the events in Norway and the DC40 Prayer War– the latter being something that is causing a small crisis within the Pagan community.
Listening To: ABBA… don’t ask.
Right, here we go- coherent post coming up.
I think it would be a shame to go any further without commenting on the rather violent weather we in the North have been experiencing. About two weeks ago we had a spate of incredible thunderstorms. I got pretty excited because it was the first time I’d ever seen fork lightening (in real life- I’ve seen it on telly) I did however, in true Wren style, panic because I couldn’t remember what safety precautions you were supposed to take when there was lightening. I paced up the hallway for a bit before my mum informed me that my brother was riding about on his bike somewhere in town and I realised that anything I did would be safer than that.
(Metal bicycle + fork lightening = ?)
You’ll be pleased to hear that he was fine- it did have me in a bit of a flap though.
I have some amazing weather pictures for you, they’re of the rain- my camera’s too slow to capture lightening in action.
Anyway, I got up today, slobbed around for a little while and then made my Grandma’s birthday cake- which I have a picture of:
It’s a lemon sponge cake with lemon curd in the middle and lemon icing. This is the third one of these cakes I’ve made for her in about a year. I think it’s shame that I’ve never gotten to taste any of them!
My mum’s phone has been going all day, every couple of minutes there’s either my cousin or some batty Yorkshire woman from the WI calling about my Auntie. My mum completely broke down on me this afternoon; she just started crying into my shoulder. I sat and hugged her for a while, keeping quiet and letting her talk. (You see, therapy does teach you something.)
My Auntie’s being operated on tomorrow morning (we think, this is the NHS we’re talking about- the equipment they need has already broken down twice so they’ve had to take her via ambulance and police escourt to another part of the country where the equipment actually does work.) And they should be bringing her out of the coma on Friday/Saturday. That’s when we’ll have a good idea of the prognosis.
Holy fucking shit.
I think I deserved to swear foully just then.
I have a nice little reading nook, it’s my windowsill- to the surprise of passers-by- but it only works for about an hour tops. Anything after that and my arse starts to die. It’s nice to sit there and read in the evening because its peaceful (I have the window open) and I get lots of fresh air and hear the birdsong. I especially like it when it rains because my window is sheltered by overhang from the roof so I don’t get wet. I do however make a rapid retreat from the window when there is lightening about… my obsession goes as far as stopping me using the facilities during a lightning storm because there’s a window above the bog.
Listening to: Assassin by Muse, I got this CD for my brother for Xmas and then stole it to put on my iPod recently. This definitely isn’t my favourite Muse song, it’s okay- a little loud and without a lot of emotion. I prefer my Pagan music.