The Summer Solstice… and Dead People

Don’t worry, I’m not dead.

I’ve just had a weird time of it lately.

Last weekend, the one after the last post, I developed an obsession for self defence and security. It lasted over the weekend until late on Monday and involved me reading every article on the aforementioned subjects and then proceeding to lock and tape up my windows as well as watching the street outside my bedroom window for hours at night and noting down the appearance of anyone suspicious.

I came out of it on Tuesday morning and felt completely exhausted. I spent the rest of the week slobbing about and recovering from all the energy that I had lost being vigilant.

Over this weekend and the end of last week I’ve delved into another area of my life that has been very much neglected in the past two years, and that’s the paranormal.

I’ve been seeing ghosts since the age of about four. I don’t spread this fact around, especially as my mental health is not brilliant, but it’s always been a huge part of me. Ghosts are real, there’s no other way to explain the things I’ve seen and done and felt- and trust me when I say I’ve tried.

It’s hard being mentally ill, it’s also hard being a medium- therefore it stands to reason that it’s stupidly hard to be both. Mainly because to have any sort of credibility as a medium you need to be sane, and even then it’s not guaranteed.

I’m not stupid. I know what’s a hallucination and what’s a ghost. Seeing the dead is in my blood and in my body, it was what I was born to do and I’ve never felt calmer that when I’ve been with a spirit, talking to them and being held by them, I even feel calm around the bad ones.

Hallucinations terrify me. They are not a part of me, they are something ugly and something bad and they fester and burst and… they’re disgusting, they’re wrong.

I don’t care what people think about me when I say I’m a medium. I’ve seen enough of the crap in the world to know that you can never trust or guarantee anything- so to dismiss ghosts, entities that many people attest to existing is a stupid idea. Just because you can’t get your atheistic mind around it, why should that mean it’s wrong?

Very few people can get their heads around the idea that 80% of rapes are carried out by people the victim knew, but that statistic is still true. I’m not trying to convert people or tell them that they’re stupid if they don’t believe. What I am trying to say is that you’re stupid if you go and say ’of course ghosts don’t exist!’ in a stupid, condescending tone. I believe in them based on my experiences and evidence.

Also on the horizon for my spiritual self in the solstice, which is tomorrow, so wish my luck for my overnight vigil! I’ll be staying up until the sunrise. I haven’t checked the time yet, and am anticipating grouchiness on Tuesday.

Festivals haven’t been brilliant for me this year, Imbolc was done the day before we moved house in a tiny boxroom where I nearly froze my nipples off (yes I was naked) Ostara was the day after I tried to kill myself so understandably I wasn’t in a brilliant frame of mind- though I would like to say that it was a beautiful ceremony, and I really appreciated talking to the gods. Beltane consisted of a glass of something whilst sitting at my open window at midnight and chatting to my gods. I’m hoping I can buck the trend with Litha. I usually have a great time around festivals. I’m one of those people who loves to celebrate and have a bit party. Yet another reason why Paganism is so perfectly suited to my personality.

So, to everyone and anyone reading this I will wish you a happy Litha! Blessings and good luck for the rest of the year. Things are only going to get darker from here on in… (I mean literally, not that we’re all going to get depressed- although we probably will, but it won’t be anything to do with the weather- unless you have S.A.D) I’m going to shut up and piss off before I dig myself into another hole.

Thank you, blessed be and enjoy the summer sunshine.

Sexual Molestation and Maturity

I’m writing this on the night before my last exam, by the time I post it my GCSE’s will be over.

I, however, feel like crap.

I’ve been going round and round in circles today, it started last night when I suddenly broke down and started properly crying in the early hours.

It’s all to do with my relationships and sex life- or lack of. No boy has ever looked at me in a romantic or even sexual way- I’ve never been in a relationship and I’ve never been kissed or held. I would put that I’ve never been touched but we all know why that wouldn’t be accurate.

I remember how I’ve always hidden under the duvet at night. I sleep on my mattress, with my duvet pulled up over my head and only a small hole for breathing.  I have a vivid memory of crying one night, of being incredibly distressed and my dad running into my room and ripping the duvet off me. I remember the whole thing with incredible clarity, I especially remember how I had to scramble to pull my nightie down and cover myself- it had ridden up to about my waist. I then remember my dad leaning over me and shouting- and then the memory stops. For such a vivid, clear memory to stop so suddenly is terrifying. I know that he didn’t do anything- but the feeling of being exposed, of having my body on view and exposed and vulnerable to a physically large and angry man is one that I’ve never forgotten.

When I was about eleven I had to have an operation to have my molars taken out, I panicked and the doctors and nurses had to physically restrain me. I remember screaming and screaming for them to let go so that I could calm down but they wouldn’t, they held me down and shoved a fucking needle in me.  Needless to say, I don’t trust doctors or medication anymore.

Then, a few years later I developed a bladder problem; recurring cystitis. Anyone who’s ever had it instantly knows how bad it is. I still get bouts of it now, usually occurring at the same time as my period (when I’m actually menstruating, which is a rare event in itself- I should probably explain that I frequently miss my period, even though I managed to get a regular cycle going last autumn. I put it down to depression) but what happened was that I had to go through about two years of doctors appointments to try and find a cure- and quite a few of those doctors wanted to have a look at my downstairs.

Everyone told me that it was normal, and that it wasn’t personal- just medical. But I hated every second of it. Just thinking about how I had to take my underwear off and let some stranger poke around makes me feel ill, I remember going back to school and it kept running around my head, over and over again:  someone’s touched me- someone’s touched me- someone’s touched me. I felt so dirty and used and even now I wish I’d refused, I wish I’d just refused, because even now, three or so years on, I still feel sick and angry that I let them anywhere near me.

I keep having rape dreams, in one of them a man grabbed me and started running his hands over me- I tried to fight but I was drowned in exhaustion and couldn’t move a muscle. In another my vagina was torn- I could feel it, I could feel how big the hole was and I felt sick.

I can’t do this. I can’t live like this, I wake up in the morning feeling like I’ve spent the night being violated. People go on and on about how dreams can’t hurt you- that’s utter bullshit. I’m completely powerless and I feel angry and sick.

My mum still thinks I’m a child. She refers to adult things as ‘grown-up’ things. Why the hell do I have to experience all the downsides of being sexually mature, but none of the upsides?

Sometimes I wonder what the hell is wrong with me, my personality? The way I look? I’ve come to the conclusion that people can tell when you’re defective. It’s like in evolution when the runt of the litter is left to die. I’m the fucking runt.

I’m sick of getting bombarded with the downsides and darkness of sex. I’m sixteen. We’re supposed to be carefree and feel invincible. One more bad dream could be the last straw.

Most people have a monster in the closet.

I have a rapist under the bed.

Listening to: Marine Fields Glow by Esben and the Witch. Their music has a real trance like feel to it which I really enjoy, it’s not my favourite out of all their songs- but I would still highly reccomend it.

 

Shopping, Death Cab and Nocturnal Milkmen

I went shopping on Thursday- I’m getting really disorientated with dates and stuff; it was so hot last night I had to have all four of my windows wide open. It was a weird night because I was wandering around trying on all my new clothes and getting really paranoid that someone would climb in through my open windows- after the dream I had a few weeks ago it’s not surprising that I was worried- and then at about half past twelve I heard a car approaching the house. Feeling a bit freaked out I peered through the gap in my curtains and to my amazement was confronted by a milk float parked outside my neighbour’s house. The milk float then set off again down into my little cul de sac. Upon seeing this I was stunned for a few moments and then thought: I have to write about this on my blog… so here it is. I have to say it was one of the oddest moments of my life, and it has plenty of competition for that spot- I mean, we all think the postmen are bad, but milk at half past midnight? At least normal people are actually awake at teatime.

I also have to add a little bit on the new Death Cab for Cutie album, Codes and Keys. I’d feel robbed if I couldn’t say a few words on what I think of it- it’s pretty awesome. At first I thought it was good, but after two days of listening to it on repeat I have to say that I love it. That may seem like a weird reaction but it’s honestly quite a typical reaction to Death Cab, it takes a while to really understand the songs and get the message, but when you do it hits you like a sledgehammer and you have to listen to it over and over again. I’m slightly infamous for a small event that happened when I was listening to their song: Transatlanticism, I was listening to it for the sixth of seventh time and I suddenly burst into tears in the middle of the song. If you really listen to the song them you’ll get why but it was awkward and hilarious because I started laughing at myself whilst I was crying… anyway, back onto the topic. I love Codes and Keys. The songs have a stronger base to them than Death Cab songs have had in the past, and at first in unnerved me a little. I was worried that it was going to be more mainstream *sobs* but I am happy to report that this is not the case! It sounds really Death Cab-y but fresh enough that you’re not like: Oh God it all sounds the same… so all in all, I love it and highly recommend it. They may not have the most conventional name (I had to say it to my mother, she responded by staring blankly at me and walking away) but they are amazing.

In other news, my writing is coming along nicely. I’ve managed to find out who and why-dunnit in my little murder mystery and have planned my essay on the stigma of mental illness and written the introduction. I just have four big paragraphs and a conclusion and it will be up, maybe within a couple of weeks max- I have GCSE’s to do, cut me some slack!

Listening to: Portable Television by Death Cab for Cutie. I love this song. At first the name and the lyrics make you dubious about the brilliance of it but you have to listen to the lyrics and you realise why it’s brilliant.