Don’t worry, I’m not dead.
I’ve just had a weird time of it lately.
Last weekend, the one after the last post, I developed an obsession for self defence and security. It lasted over the weekend until late on Monday and involved me reading every article on the aforementioned subjects and then proceeding to lock and tape up my windows as well as watching the street outside my bedroom window for hours at night and noting down the appearance of anyone suspicious.
I came out of it on Tuesday morning and felt completely exhausted. I spent the rest of the week slobbing about and recovering from all the energy that I had lost being vigilant.
Over this weekend and the end of last week I’ve delved into another area of my life that has been very much neglected in the past two years, and that’s the paranormal.
I’ve been seeing ghosts since the age of about four. I don’t spread this fact around, especially as my mental health is not brilliant, but it’s always been a huge part of me. Ghosts are real, there’s no other way to explain the things I’ve seen and done and felt- and trust me when I say I’ve tried.
It’s hard being mentally ill, it’s also hard being a medium- therefore it stands to reason that it’s stupidly hard to be both. Mainly because to have any sort of credibility as a medium you need to be sane, and even then it’s not guaranteed.
I’m not stupid. I know what’s a hallucination and what’s a ghost. Seeing the dead is in my blood and in my body, it was what I was born to do and I’ve never felt calmer that when I’ve been with a spirit, talking to them and being held by them, I even feel calm around the bad ones.
Hallucinations terrify me. They are not a part of me, they are something ugly and something bad and they fester and burst and… they’re disgusting, they’re wrong.
I don’t care what people think about me when I say I’m a medium. I’ve seen enough of the crap in the world to know that you can never trust or guarantee anything- so to dismiss ghosts, entities that many people attest to existing is a stupid idea. Just because you can’t get your atheistic mind around it, why should that mean it’s wrong?
Very few people can get their heads around the idea that 80% of rapes are carried out by people the victim knew, but that statistic is still true. I’m not trying to convert people or tell them that they’re stupid if they don’t believe. What I am trying to say is that you’re stupid if you go and say ’of course ghosts don’t exist!’ in a stupid, condescending tone. I believe in them based on my experiences and evidence.
Also on the horizon for my spiritual self in the solstice, which is tomorrow, so wish my luck for my overnight vigil! I’ll be staying up until the sunrise. I haven’t checked the time yet, and am anticipating grouchiness on Tuesday.
Festivals haven’t been brilliant for me this year, Imbolc was done the day before we moved house in a tiny boxroom where I nearly froze my nipples off (yes I was naked) Ostara was the day after I tried to kill myself so understandably I wasn’t in a brilliant frame of mind- though I would like to say that it was a beautiful ceremony, and I really appreciated talking to the gods. Beltane consisted of a glass of something whilst sitting at my open window at midnight and chatting to my gods. I’m hoping I can buck the trend with Litha. I usually have a great time around festivals. I’m one of those people who loves to celebrate and have a bit party. Yet another reason why Paganism is so perfectly suited to my personality.
So, to everyone and anyone reading this I will wish you a happy Litha! Blessings and good luck for the rest of the year. Things are only going to get darker from here on in… (I mean literally, not that we’re all going to get depressed- although we probably will, but it won’t be anything to do with the weather- unless you have S.A.D) I’m going to shut up and piss off before I dig myself into another hole.
Thank you, blessed be and enjoy the summer sunshine.