So… shit happened.
My mood was really high during the day yesterday and then tapered downwards until it got to about seven in the evening and I started crying… not normal kind of crying, proper, intense sobbing and wailing kind of crying.
I then didn’t stop crying until 2am when my tear ducts literally dried up- yes people, they can do this- well I hope they can do this, otherwise it’s just me.
I feel fairly shit at the moment, I’ve spent most of the day looking pretty shit too- my eyes were all puffy and half closed from the crying marathon. I though that they’d look better once I’d done my make-up but all it ended up doing was making them a little darker.
I spent last night feeling like the world was ending, I was sobbing for my social worker who left for a new job back in October, she was more of a Mother to me than my Ma’s ever been. She fought and fought to get me proper help and I owe her so much. I then started crying for my dog and crying for my Grandma and crying about my Dad and the men and all the other crap… yeah, there was a lot- hence why I was crying for seven hours (I’m not joking, I really did cry pretty much continuously- I cried through Eastenders AND I cried whilst I was making my tea…)
I can’t find the words to express how desperate I felt, I didn’t want to go to school or see anyone- and I certainly didn’t want hugs and sympathy and having to explain to everyone why I was upset (mostly cos ‘well I kind of HAVE DEPRESSION’ doesn’t seem to be a good enough explanation for most people) I woke up an hour before I usually do and felt so sick at the prospect of having to go to school that I thought I was going to vomit.
Thankfully I didn’t, instead I made myself presentable and walked to school, the look of pure despair on my face serving to create a kind of bubble of space around me and make people reluctant to meet my eye.
Nobody commented on my obviously depressed visage- apart from one person. *hangs head* I can’t tell you how guilty I feel for how I behaved, I just wanted him to get away from me and so I snapped at him quite a bit when he was only being lovely and caring. Oh god, part of me wants to apologise and weep at his feet and the other thinks that breaking away from him is good- that way I don’t have to trust him. Trusting people is risky in my world. Last night I realised that even the people I thought I could trust I actually can’t… everyone leaves and I end up alone. That’s how it’s always been.
Right now I’m trying to focus on constructive things to get through- stuff like the history essay I have to write up tonight and my post for the Pagan Blog Project on Friday.
I just need to keep edging forward- I know I can get through this even though right now it feels like the weight of everything is pressing down on me, I feel like I can’t breathe sometimes and the pain inside my chest is so bad that I keep expecting to look down and see myself bleeding (that’s emotional pain- my heart’s fine… well, I HOPE it’s fine…)
’til next time,