I don’t really know what to say… should I sit here and write about how things have been in the last few days? About how my mood’s been at rock bottom and how I’ve been falling back into old habits and coping mechanisms… should I sit here and tell you that I seem to be becoming a child again?
I don’t know, I don’t know- it feels like even my grim and persistent sense of humour is failing me.
I’m in pain, my arms and legs are killing me and I can’t tell anyone- self-injury doesn’t get sympathy. I had more blood today than I’ve ever had before, I peered down my sleeve ten or so minutes after I’d cleaned myself up and rejoined the living to find that it had bled again and covered the skin of my forearm.
I’ve cleaned myself up properly but am not looking forward to showering tonight.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me, at the moment I’m trying to stay calm. Depression sometimes feels like claustrophobia, the moment you realise how trapped you are you get scared and lash out and end up hurting yourself.
Because this is the internet and all anonymous I feel okay to admit thatI’m scared.
I feel like a little child wandering about in a big world, and I have to deal with this on my own- I’ve always had to, and I always will have to. I have to ease my Ma through what’s wrong with me and gently explain and sanitize things for my friends. I have to cope with my Dad losing control and rationalise his behaviour.
I’m sorry, but I’m the one in need of help here… I put every bit of energy I have into hiding what’s wrong, into being normal- and sometimes I’m tired.
People think I’m much more capable than I am, they think that because I want them to, because I do everything in my power to make it that way. But at the end of the day I don’t know what to do, and I need help.
My CAMHS nurse is god knows where- well, I think she’s ill- but when she gets back I’m not getting in touch. I’ve been in therapy for two and a half years and kept every single appointment. My social worker commented on it a lot, she said that I was very unusual in that respect. I don’t want to see anyone at the moment, I’m angry and hurt and rejected, and I know it’s just a fact of life but I don’t want to be sensible anymore.
I’m sick of hiding and being nice and good- I’m angry and I’m hurt, and I have the right to sit and cry and be a bitch sometimes.
I don’t want to go into all the shit about why I feel I have to be perfect and stick to the rules- that’s something for another day and going over it will only make me upset.
Thanks to everyone reading and everyone who’s offered support, I promise I’ll be back with it soon- things are just pretty shit at the moment 🙂