Last Monday I went back to the Doctors to see what the next step was, I talked to the Doctor for a while as she looked over the scores that I’d gotten from the questionnaire that I did two weeks prior, I managed an impressive 21/27 which worried her quite a lot.
We had a chat about my mindset, how I usually viewed things and how things had been in the two weeks since I last saw her. I told her that things were only getting worse for me and that my normal mindset was pretty fucked anyway, so I was caught in a trap of depression and anxiety.
She said that she’d start me on medication (citalopram) to get me out of the immediate problems that I was having and then see about a longer course of CBT. We also talked about my time with CAMHS and she said something that I thought was a little revealing- she referred to it as ‘not very directive’ which basically means that they don’t really have a grand plan, they just hope to talk you into being better. So it is as crap as we all assumed…
She also told me not to look at the side effects, she said that all medications have side effects and I shouldn’t worry myself by looking at them. She did however say that it wouldn’t start working for around two weeks and that I would probably have very vivid dreams and an upset stomach… joy.
I did one week on 10mg per day just to help me get used to it, the first dose that I took I took on an empty stomach and for whatever reason it made me go completely loopy, I made the mistake of going to a friend’s dinner party and spent the whole night giggling hysterically and dozing off at the table. I couldn’t eat much but managed to hold down some bread and potatoes. The next day I felt pretty good, though I don’t know if that was the placebo effect, sleep deprivation or the medication.
The first couple of nights I kept waking up feeling sick and dizzy but this stopped after a little while, I had a dry mouth for a few days but this too faded. As the week wore on I started to feel more mundane and less positive than I had when I started the medication, I’m hopefully going to start to feel a change in the next few days when I double the dose, so fingers crossed!
I’m going back to the Doctor’s a week today to see how things are going and so that she can prescribe me some more medication, I’m being drip-fed pills at the moment until they know they can trust me not to kill myself… oh the joys of mentalism.