Yeah, the titles are just getting more and more inventive…
So following on from last Monday’s post I ended up going to the Doctor’s on Tuesday, and this is basically what happened:
Arrived at the Doctors and got called in, weirdly I’d ended up getting an appointment with my old family Doctor who I hadn’t seen in about eight years… so once we’d both gotten past the ‘I remember you!’ moment there was a really long awkward silence where I ummed and ahhed before doing what I do best and diving straight into the middle of the issue.
I told him that I thought I was depressed; I’d been feeling numb and unemotional for about three or four weeks, I didn’t care about my personal health or hygiene, I fluctuated between apathy and feeling so anxious I felt sick and in physical pain.
He was very good and went through all the right questions (after four… nearly five *shudders* years in the mental health system I know exactly what they’re going to ask and exactly how to answer) I have to say that it was a bit weird having to talk about the hallucinations and self harm as I know they’re two of the more serious symptoms and I don’t think he was really expecting me to casually admit that it’s pretty normal to hallucinate and cut myself.
He asked a fair bit about suicide, I was honest and told him that I thought about it a lot- both irrationally in the moment (like getting the urge to step out into the road) and rationally (thinking that it’d be kinder to myself and everyone if I died) but that after B’s death I didn’t think I’d ever be able to go through with it. We had a very intelligent and calm conversation about my mental health, I pointed him towards his computer screen and briefly gave a potted history of my mentalism as he scrolled through shitloads of medical records.
He then asked me about my thoughts on medication, I said that I’d gotten to a point where I didn’t really care any more- so they could throw their pills at me all they liked, just so long as it did something. He gave me a massive pamphlet and a web address and then asked me to book an appointment for two weeks time and fill out a lovely questionnaire. I sloped off into the waiting room and did as asked, the questionnaire was lots of fun as I’m sure you can imagine, I even added up my scores at the end to save them some time and then spent about five minutes wondering if the large number that resulted should or would be cause for concern…
Anyways, I’ve chanced the website that he gave me the address to and it’s basically all CBT, something that after four years of mentalism and one psychology A-level is rather familiar to me (the best part about the psych A-level is that I can tell you exactly why CBT is probably useless in my case) the main issue that I’ve had is that I genuinely don’t have enough time to do CBT, I write these posts a week or so in advance (lies, I’m writing this one on the night it’s being posted) and I’m currently in the middle of assessment week… which also happens to be show week.
So, a week today I head back to the Doctors- I just need to try and get a lift down there… could be awkward as I haven’t actually told anyone why I’m going there and my Mother will want to know. Got away with the last one when my best friend offered to give me a lift, but this time Ma won’t be at work and will start asking questions if I leave the house that early.
This could be interesting…
’til next time,