It’s been a full year now since I last self-harmed.
I don’t know the exact date, I just know that it’s definitely been over a year since it last happened; I feel very strange about this accomplishment.
On one hand, I’m very proud of myself. I didn’t go cold turkey, it was something that petered off over the course of a few years and that I eventually made the decision to consciously stop.
On the other, it feels strange to look back and see the person that I used to be. She’s someone very different from who I am now- I’m such a confident person, I take things- even hard things- in my stride and I have good coping mechanisms.
I know that I could pick up a blade right now and cut myself; I wouldn’t and I won’t, but the mental barrier that would stop any non self-harmer from pressing down and drawing blood just doesn’t exist in my mind. I know exactly what I’m capable of.
It’s SIAD tomorrow, I always find that it creeps up on me (the logical explanation for that would be that February is the shortest month.) But I think that it’s partly because my feelings towards self harm are very mixed.
I know that it’s bad, and I want to do whatever I can to raise awareness and get people talking about it. If you’re self harming then you need to seek help and treatment- it’s something that can spiral out of control all too easily.
However, I will always feel that self harm was what kept me alive. It was the only thing that gave me the strength to keep going in the darkest times. When I was struggling so much that I couldn’t breathe and felt as though I was trapped in a nightmare the only thing that gave me enough relief to stop me from ending my life was cutting.
It’s not a popular opinion, and I would never, never suggest self harm as an answer- the answer is to go to a good doctor (NOT CAMHS!) who can and will give you drugs/therapy that WILL HELP YOU.
Because yes, I survived those moments- but I also had a damaging habit that stayed with me for much longer than those dark moments did.
I spent a very long time being ashamed. If you’ve been reading this blog for a while you’ll know that; over the last couple of years I’ve been trying to move forward and actually talk about mental health and self harm in my real life. It’s been going quite well. I’m sick of having to hide.
Here’s to another self-harm free year!
’til next time,