10 Years

Last Thursday I got to perform on stage at a major theatre as Juliet in a production of ‘Romeo and Juliet’ the day that we did the production was exactly ten years since my Grandma, the woman who brought me up, died.

I remember feeling this flood of tears welling up as we were waiting in the wings and needed a cuddle from Daddy (Lord Capulet) before we went on- the thought that the one person I wanted to see that play couldn’t be there was difficult for me to deal with, and something that hit me each time we performed it from then onwards.

Anyone who has acted with me (especially Romeo) can testify that I am not only the queen of corpsing but also one of the most easily distracted people ever- the way that I keep my focus and a straight face is to imagine that I am keeping eye contact with my Grandma, I picture her face and hold her gaze- this was a technique to I had to use a hell of a lot in this production as I never left the stage but spent the scenes I wasn’t involved in sat in a freeze frame.

It helped to do this because it made me feel like she was there with me, not just watching but an integral part of the show itself. She was like the unsung hero, the star that no-one saw. I wanted to bring her onto the stage with me because I always felt that she should have been on stage, she should have been revered and adored in the way that only leading actresses are.

I can’t believe that it’s been a decade since I stood in a field and watching her ashes being poured into the wind. The strongest and oldest memory I have is of standing in that field and telling myself to remember that moment, remember how I was feeling and what I was seeing because it was important, and I knew that in years to come it would be a memory that I would replay a thousand times and cling to.

I know I have ‘grief issues’ every psychiatrist, counsellor and social worker I have ever seen has said that I have ‘grief issues’ even some of my friends have worked out that I have ‘grief issues’ so that’s not something I’m going to go into anymore detail about, all I want to say is that when it comes down to it I miss my Grandma.

I can’t believe that’s it’s been ten years- a whole decade- I always thought that I’d never make it, that I’d be dead long before it ever reached this point. I remember a couple of years ago being sat and feeling sick at the prospect of having lived more of my life without her than with her- but now it’s happened, and I’m not sure how I feel about it- I mean, there’s noting I can do about it, and it’s only going to get worse.

She’s dead- she’s gone, I know this and I accept this, but the realisation that I will never get to speak to her or see her again is one that I can’t get my head around- and frankly I don’t want to. There are hundreds of thousands of things I want to tell her, sometimes I feel like I’m going to burst- and nothing I do makes it feel any better. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that it isn’t going to get any better.

I keep her alive in the only way I can- by taking her with me when I go onstage.

Myself and My Grandma’s Snazzy Apron

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Pagan Blog Project: Values

Hey there! I’ve been absent lately due to the fact I was busy being thrown about, beaten up and snogged- very thoroughly snogged… but more on that some other time. (For those of you now worrying a little I should clarify that I’ve just been in a ‘mature’ production of Romeo and Juliet as the leading lady.)

I’ll admit that I was a little stuck for inspiration today, so this may be a little way of me rambling on, but I am still rather busy at the moment 😛

What we value says a lot about us- some people value strength, others kindness- some value pride whilst others place emphasis on humility. I think that we all value qualities, objects and things that embody what we want in our lives.

In terms of features I value expressing love openly, the ability to keep secrets and having faith.

Because I’m lazily and busy I’m just going to ask you to think about your values and what qualities you value in others 🙂

’til next time,

a thousand times goodnight,

Wren x

 

Pagan Blog Project: The Underworld (Otherworld)

As we’re almost at Samhain and the end of the year I thought this would be a fitting topic 🙂

As I follow a Celtic path the term ‘Underworld’ is kind of incorrect, a more fitting and commonly used term is ‘Otherworld’ this is because for the Celts death was not a realm of darkness or fear, it was simply another place.

The Celtic Otherworld is home to Gods as well as spirits, there is no separate realm for them that’s away from everything else, instead they mingle with all and sundry.

For me this is just another thing that makes me realise why I’m walking the path I am, there is no good and bad, no higher realm- we are all together.

The way I picture it is that we’re all a part of one big circle, constantly going round and round and never reaching the end, it just keeps on flowing back into itself.

And now I’m going to stop before my inane rambling gets any weirder…

Have a good week 🙂

Wren x

Pagan Blog Project: Test of Faith

I have barely had enough time to eat today, so this post is coming as a surprise to us all 😉

I have a strong belief that you can’t have a strong opinion unless that opinion has been tested, for example I strongly support euthanasia but have only spoken out about it since almost losing my Auntie last year- I had to watch my family make the decision to turn off her life support, and even though she came out of the coma (it was a medical miracle) I still think we made the right decision in choosing to end her life.

We learn a lot from having our faith tested- I think it makes it a hell of a lot stronger and makes us feel like we can rely on ourselves a lot more.

Since I self-initiated back in… *thinks hard* the Gods alone remember when… I’ve been tested a hell of a lot, I’ve been through deaths, depression, psychosis, bullying, sexual molestation, unrequited love and had to deal with putting my life back together. I can say hand on heart that I believe in the Gods, the Fey, the spirits and magick- not because I’m a naive child who hasn’t experienced the world but because I’ve seen the world and these things have been shown to be again and again, my faith in the Gods pulled me through these things.

Every professional I’ve ever seen has said that I have some kind of inner strength, I attribute this to my faith, to my Gods. When people question my religion it doesn’t bother me- my philosophy teacher once said that he could disprove Paganism in about a minute. I shrugged and told him to go ahead, nothing he could say could make me doubt the thing that kept me strong through so much.

What’s weird about being a Pagan (and therefore seeing the Gods as not omnibenevolent) is that it would be easy to blame the Gods for things that go wrong- but I can say honestly that I never have. When my Auntie was ill I remember kneeling down by my altar and asking why it had happened- all I got from the Gods was the most sincere apology I have ever received, and I’ll remember that moment forever as one of the most raw and touching responses my patroness has ever given me.

We all have things that we cling onto in our darkest moments- whether they’re people, memories or faith- but I think these things reveal a hell of a lot about us as people.

’til next time,

Wren x