I’m trying to be a good girl.
I got some bad news- one of my best friends is leaving school. He’s coming back in september but is going to redo the year.
He’s the only person who listens to me, I have a habit of talking to myself and singing which everyone ignores- except him, he’ll start singing the same song as me or laugh at a joke I’ve just cracked even if we’re in a noisy room and there’s no way he should have heard. He’s the only one who knows when I’m upset and who hunts me down and makes me tell him. He takes everything I throw at him and never gets angry at me. He’s one of my best friends and now I have to face exam time without him.
I know I can do it, I know I’m strong enough, but right now this is not what I wanted to hear. He’s at school for two more days and then I probably won’t see him for sixth months.
For me it’s like a smack in the face, I know it’s nothing personal- but it still hurts a hell of a lot, I’m scared that without him I’ll feel like I’m drowning again.
A couple of things are bothering me at the moment- but I’ll put them in separate posts, I don’t want to info dump in one.
One of them is that I’m going on holiday to Italy straight after the exams (I know, I know, it’s alright for some!) so obviously I’m going to need to wear short sleeves, skirts and shorts… but this is straight after the exams, a period of HIGH stress- and therefore a period of self harm.
I self harmed a LOT during my GCSE exams, my hallucinations/delusions/paranoia built up to a point where I put myself in danger. I had horrible nightmares and generally didn’t know how to cope. Looking back I’m amazed that I managed to get through that period relatively unscathed.
I have to be practical- and I’ll probably need to try and broach a conversation with my Ma at some point.
’til next time