Being a mentally ill A-level psychology student allows you to understand exactly how your brain fucks itself up.
Yeah, I know- really helpful.
I realised that when I woke up this morning with a stinking horrible cold and thought: hmm, my adrenal cortex is working overtime releasing corticosteroids which is then causing my thymus gland to shrink, reducing the production of T cells and meaning that I can’t fight off potential infection.
I then felt like weeping.
Not only am I depressed, I’m ill. Oh, and my stress levels have rocketed. I don’t really know what else to say, I can’t distinguish between the crapiness of illness and the crapiness of depression, it’s all merged together into a big depressing ball of awfulness.
I’d also like to apologise for my language… I don’t swear that much in real life (is it bad that I just typed IRL and then went back and deleted it?) and this is kind of becoming a ramble-y post… but then I have spent most of today collapsed over a desk drinking water and feeling sorry for myself.
CAMHS are still avoiding me. I’m not going to look up when my last appointment was, that’ll just piss me off. Okay, so my psych nurse is ill, I can appreciate that- I’m not a total bitch, but they can at least try and arrange some kind of cover. I know I’m not a potential axe murderer or anything but it’s not fair to leave me in the lurch like this. I feel all lonely and rejected.
I’d share some awesome photos with you but SOMEONE keeps forgetting to stick them on Facebook, so I can’t.
I’ve been kind of bright today, but I think that was cos my best friends weren’t around (okay, now I sound like a bitch!) in all seriousness though, sometimes they’re really suffocating. There’s five of us- me, Claire, Jess, Michael and Callum. Claire and Michael are a couple and Callum and Jess are a couple… seeing any problems here? They think it’s fine to piss everybody else off by constantly doing things as just the five of us, but it means that I spend most of the time feeling lonely and isolated- and get shunned by all my other friends for being associated with those four.
So I basically spend all my free time watching my friends be all lovey dovey with each other whilst I sit on the floor by myself (literally in most cases) and every time I complain I get told to stop whining.
Haha, I think that was my gripe for the day.
Hope everyone’s well 🙂