I want to start this post by saying a huge thank you to anyone who commented, liked or even read the last post… opening the laptop this afternoon to find those comments and stats was amazing, it validated everything I’ve been feeling and made me realise that I’m allowed to be upset sometimes.
So, life at the moment is alright. I really need to cry- I’ve needed to cry since Wednesday but haven’t actually managed to produce any tears. I think that seven hour crying spree dried me up. My tear ducts must look like raisins or something.
My eyes are kind of prickling as I type… come on tears! It may sound like a weird thing to want but crying is therapeutic for me. It’s a way of safely and normally expressing emotion.
Today is the Spring Equinox/Ostara. I could write something seasonally appropriate… or I could refer you to my epic post on Pagan festivals.
My arm’s started to heal, it hurt like a bitch yesterday but is now on the road to recovery. I’m glad, I went much deeper than I’ve ever gone before and it was horrible. It hurt all day yesterday, after I’d just done it I remember it felt like my skin was on fire and I thought I was going to vomit.
One thing that pissed me off was that my friend (the one who tried to top herself and generally pissed me off) saw and decided to try and give me counselling. Okay, I was a bitch to her, she kept doing the face and stage whispering: if you need to talk you know where I am. Like she’s the fucking grown up in our relationship! No dear, I look after you (and try and stop you from killing yourself) not the other way around.
The thing is that I self harm for completely different reasons to her, what we do may have the same outcome (I’m a hell of a lot discreet-er about it though) but the reasons why are totally different. I self harm for control- so if you even try and infer that I should stop I’ll rip your head off (verbally, I’m only 5ft 1″) I’ll cut down, I barely do it anymore- but I won’t stop. Anyway, for me talking about self harm see here.
I was also talking to my friend (the one I bitched out the other week) he’s officially one of the loveliest people in the world, he’s been so nice and kind and sweet to me and I want to give him a big hug to say thank you… but I’m not a huggy person, so that might be weird.
Now I’ve got to go and do some filing. Yeah, filing… I was reading something about coping with depression last night and it said to get rid of any stressors… tell that to my bloody teachers.
I spent today being told that I’m not putting enough effort in (it wasn’t specifically me, it was the whole class) which is bullcrap. I put so much fucking effort in and it’s never enough. I care what you fucking tell me, I can’t revise if you set me shitloads of homework to do! I have a life outside of school, I refuse to do anything less than my best in these exams but right now I’m sleeping 10+ hours a night and still barely have enough energy to put my make-up on in the morning so I’m sorry if I’m not doing extra reading around the subject in my spare time.
I need to go and do stuff now… *sigh* sometimes it feels like I’m banging my head against a brick wall. Nothing I do is good enough.
Hope everyone’s well and sane and stuff 🙂
’til next time