Lady of Leisure

My course is over, I’m still working in a supermarket but not that much. It’s time for me to put my feet up and relax for a bit… only I can’t.

I’ve never been the kind of person to sit still, I’ve been writing from the age of thirteen and reading from the age of god-knows-what. I love to fill my life with creativity- but it’s more than that. I think I just like to be busy.

It took me about thirty six hours to grow tired of my new-found freedom. I’m sitting here feeling a little out of place and idle. You spend forever waiting for a break and then when it finally comes you can’t wait to get up and out again. I’m terrible with this sort of thing, I’m one of those people who needs to be busy.

I find that my mind tends to wander when I’m not busy; it starts to worry and fixate on things that it should be leaving well alone. My anxiety really takes hold when there’s nothing to distract it. I wish that I could switch my brain off but sadly it doesn’t really work like that.

At the moment I’m trying to give myself a list of goals and tasks to complete in order to stop my mind from wandering to places where it shouldn’t be and allow me to focus on doing productive things. I wish that I could just relax, I’m thinking of upping my hours at work- it’ll take my mind off things and get me more money… the only downside is that I’ll be at work more, which could just make me grumpy.

However, I should probably stop complaining and instead use my free time and love for productivity to make progress. I have sewing that I want to do, cleaning that should be done and writing. Lots and lots of writing. Mmm, writing…

So essentially, I’m a former procrastinator who has forgotten how to procrastinate… joy.

On the plus side; I have more time to blog!!

’til next time,

Wren x

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Reflections on My Year of Training

I feel like I’ve reached the end of a long running documentary series, right now there should be a shot of me staring idly into the distance with a caption that reads ‘Wren went on give up acting and become the manager of a supermarket. She now lives in Stoke with two cats.”

Or something like that.

In the end it was easy. My year long course finished with a whimper, rather than a bang. I’m never going to go back to the school that I did it with, or speak the person that ran it. In the end the decision to cut all ties was easy and I don’t regret it.

The last year has been hell, I don’t know how I’ve managed to get through it and not have a total breakdown. I’ve come away with good qualifications, I’m now in a decent educational position and I’m glad of that. Right now I can’t think about going into education, I need some time to recover from the mental beating that I have endured this year.

I could tell you everything that was done and said, I could tell you why I’m so relieved to see the back of everything- but I feel that that would be too much of a rant, and I don’t want to rant.

But I will say this:

Never, ever listen to anyone who tells you that you are not good enough. Never listen to anyone who upsets you- never accept excuses from someone who humiliates you. Never forget who you are, give up your ideals. Never let yourself be belittled, manipulated or controlled.

No qualification is worth that. No qualification in the world is worth compromising not only your mental health but simply yourself.

Never be afraid to walk away; if you feel that something isn’t right then it probably isn’t.

Life is short, be thankful of what you have and don’t take people you love for granted. Think about how you feel when you’re around certain people or in certain places; if you feel like crap then walk away. Don’t put up with shit, fuck what excuses they give- you don’t deserve it.

My course ended for good yesterday. I cried with happiness when I got back home with my partner, I cried when I spoke to my mother today- I can’t put into words how glad I am that it’s over, how bloody glad I am that I will never have to be trapped or degraded in that way again. And now I know what it truly feels like I will try my hardest never to get into that situation again.

Thank you to all of my readers; lurkers and commenters, thank you for sticking by me through a tough year. The cage has been opened and this Wren can fly free again!

Here’s to the future; I don’t know what I’m going to do with it but I’m not scared.

’til next time,

Wren x

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Off to Edinburgh

It’s a Saturday… so why am I posting something?

Well, I’m off to Edinburgh tomorrow- I will have limited internet access so I may or may not be able to post, if not then I hope you have a lovely week and I’ll see you on Monday 18th.

See you soon!

’til next time,

Wren x

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A Formula for Life

There’s a formula for how to live your life.

Go to school, make friends and get good grades. Choose your favourite subject and continue to study it at university; party hard, have a good time and complete your degree. Get a good job, a small but nice place to live and meet someone lovely. Get married, buy a house and a dog/cat and then have children. Bring them up, grow old, retire and watch countdown. Die in your sleep.

I think that life doesn’t really cater for people who work outside of that formula.

At the moment I am essentially having a career crisis- well, at least it’s only a career crisis and not a life crisis; it show that I’m pretty happy with around 60-70% of my life that doesn’t involve work. I’m just having a problem; I know what I like to do, I know what interests me- but shoe-horning that into something that pays the bills is causing problems.

I’ve decided that I don’t want to go to University. It’s not for me, especially not right now.

The last five or so years have been tough and non-stop for me. I’ve had so many things thrown at me that my mind and my body have had to adjust to very quickly. I need a break, I need some freedom. Over the last few years my mind has been focussed on other things than my career path.

We humans are terrible, we make structures and rules and construct prisons for ourselves that make us unhappy.

Screw the formula, do what you want and what feels right.

’til next time,

Wren x

 

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Who Would Listen to the Opinion of a Mentalist?

Something happened to me recently that didn’t quite sit right. Someone used my mental health problems as an excuse for why I was unhappy with what they were doing and therefore got themselves ‘off the hook’.

I feel a little bit strange about this.

I’ve been lucky enough to not have that happen to me before, I don’t tell a lot of people about my mental health problems but recently I’ve been more willing to open up.

I disagree with someone that I work with, she has authority over me which makes things a little difficult. It’s not a personal problem, I just feel that she crosses the line a lot and does a lot of things that I’m really uncomfortable with. When she recently asked me why I was hesitant to work with her again I told her that I felt that we didn’t gel.

I told her calmly and professionally that I felt my style and working and her style of directing were completely different and that I was unhappy with the way that she was speaking to people. Personally I feel that she gets very personal when she criticises people- though I didn’t say this to her, I kept it very polite. I said that neither of our ways of working were wrong, they just don’t gel with each other.

She told me that due to my mental health problems I have problems with authority and that’s why I was having a problem with her; she was behaving in a way that ‘normal’ people would be fine with.

This is the first, and hopefully the last, time that someone has managed to make me feel powerless and tiny by using my mental health problems against me. I felt so small sat in that office. It took a lot of self control to tell her calmly that I didn’t feel that my mental health played a part in my feelings towards her actions- but she dismissed that one easily.

A week on from the incident and I still don’t know how to respond. Looking back I can see that she’s made comments like that before; but not as explicitly as last week. Like it or not, having a mental illness still means that your opinion, your voice, can be questioned and doubted.

For the first time in a long time I feel powerless.

’til next time,

Wren x

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Filed under Depression, Mental Illness, Mentalist Monday

Pagan Identity

Maybe this should have been under ‘I’… oh well.

Paganism is an identity. I would say that I identify as a Pagan- if I were to tell you that I’m a Pagan you could probably very easily paint a fairly accurate picture about the things that I hold dear and the processes that go on in my mind. I’m not saying that we can all be stereotyped into one group, but you can get a good general picture.

I am proud to identify as a Pagan, it’s something that I like to tell people about. I came to Paganism when I was going through the first big upheaval in my life; I was eleven, moving onto secondary school and having to face the fact that I wasn’t the cleverest or quietest anymore. I had to find a new home, and that home was Paganism.

I’ve always had Pagan beliefs, but finding the definition of ‘Pagan’ in a dictionary when I was eleven finally allowed me to put a name to them. It also gave me an identity that felt more flexible than the one I’d had. Being a Pagan allowed me to grow.

It took a few years for me to settle into Wicca; the identity that that gave me was different to just being a Pagan, it was less respected and more laughed at- telling people you do spells will never get anything other than a raised eyebrow- but it didn’t sit quite right with me.

Eventually I realised that my love settled at the feet of the old Celtic Gods and so began to refer to myself as a Celtic Pagan.

Identifying as a Pagan means that you’re an outsider (not a bad thing), you’re in touch with nature, you’re independent, you see beyond the physical world. It means that you don’t allow yourself to become trapped in the death-cycle of work and money. Your feet are firmly rooted into the Earth herself.

Blessings,

Wren x

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Standing up for Yourself

Today I told my drama teacher/principal that I fundamentally clashed with her style of teaching and found some of the things that she did to be humiliating.

That was a serious step up for me… I think I just found some kind of a voice. It’s small and shy and still comes with a huge burden of guilt for not being nice to someone… but it’s there.

I was mature, with a solid line of argument- I stressed that I didn’t think she was wrong, but that she was wrong for me. She hasn’t apologised or said that she will do anything differently but she knows, and she knows that I’m not someone who can be dealt with like that.

I’m mature, calm and collected. I can stand up for myself and I will not let go of my principals. She tried to tell me that people ‘in the real world’ will talk to me in the way that she does and that I just need to grow up. I told her that I will never be okay with being spoken down to, that I will never be okay with being yelled at like a child in front of a fifteen year old work experience girl and that I will never, never be treated with anything less than the respect that I would give anyone else.

If I, the world’s biggest bloody doormat, can stand up in a calm and mature manner and tell someone that they’ve crossed a line, I’m pretty sure anyone can.

’til next time,

Wren x

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