I haven’t felt that strange, burning itch to hurt myself in a long time. Last Monday night it came back, it lodged itself into my stomach and refused to let go.
Being the sensible and mature woman that I am I responded to this urge by crying my eyes out into my old teddy-bear. It was really frightening, I felt like I’d been thrown backwards five years into the skin of my insecure teenage self.
After picking over what happened with R the other night I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m struggling with control right now. I used to self harm for many different reasons; but one of the main ones was control. I was very depressed and I felt like my life was being controlled by people I hated, school was a miserable environment for me; but I couldn’t escape from it.
Recently I’ve been feeling very out of control, my life is changing and horrible things are happening that I have no control over. I think that’s why the old urge came back again, there was nothing else that I could do and my mind immediately offered up SI as a solution.
Another thing that I’ve been having problems with is intimacy. I haven’t had great sexual experiences, in fact, they’re so ‘not great’ that I can’t actually bring myself to talk about them on here. Maybe one day I will- but right now it still feels too raw.
When I get stressed and feel like I’m not in control the last thing I want is someone touching me, I’m happy to give touch and love- but I just want my own space and my own body to remain my own.
At the moment I’m trying to stay calm, rationalise what’s happening in my brain and work around it. The whole thing is a little frustrating and scary- I feel like I’m broken sometimes, that I can’t get over my knee-jerk reaction of panicking.
Self harm isn’t the problem, it’s a mechanism to cope with the problem. I don’t self harm anymore, but that doesn’t mean that I’m fine- it means that my control issues just get expressed in a different way. I think that different way is avoiding intimacy and sex.
I’m not entirely sure what I’m supposed to do to fix this problem; to be honest, realising it and talking to R about it has already helped a lot, so I think I’m just going to try and be mindful of what’s going on in my head. Also, I’m essentially trying to write a blog post about sex without giving too many details of my sex life… sorry if I’m just coming across as frustratingly vague.
Sometimes I feel disconnected from the Wren who couldn’t get out of bed and cut herself in the school toilets between lessons; then things like this happen and I realise that we’re the same person. It feels like a strange mixture of fear and nostalgia- I don’t know which one worries me more.
About a year ago I wrote a post on sexual bullying, you can read it here.
In that post I wrote about my experiences, and about how I feel that it’s a topic that’s being swept under the rug. it’s not something that anyone is comfortable talking about.
Lately, the UK government has floated plans to make 11-16 year olds undertake ‘sexual consent lessons’. I don’t know what these lessons would entail, but if they’re planned well then they could offer a solution to the problem of sexual bullying.
This is one of those plans that’s been a little sensationalised by the media. However, I think that it’s a great idea and fully support bringing in anything that helps teenagers to talk about and understand sex and sexuality.
In the UK having sex is illegal for under 16s. However, this doesn’t mean that everyone under the age of sixteen is completely innocent and ignorant on the matter. We have one of the highest teen pregnancy rates in Europe, something that shows the law makes little difference for many teenagers.
As well as that, anything that tackles the issue of sexual assault is good in my book. The silence surrounding anything of this nature is awful and only hurts the victims, so giving guidance on where and when to get help is a good thing.
The people who are uncomfortable with this kind of legislation seem to be highlighting two things; the first is that these lessons will encourage teenagers to have sex. Personally, I think the law makes little difference when someone is deciding to lose their virginity or engage in intimate acts. Teenagers have always, and will always, choose to have sex when they want to. It might not be great, but it’s pretty much impossible to police. Giving them knowledge will simply help to stop any fall-out and give them power to make educated and informed decisions, as well as keeping them safe from people who want to use them.
The second is that we should be keeping children ‘innocent’ and not tainting their minds with knowledge that they’re too young to know. Frankly, I find that slightly ridiculous. Teenagers see sex everywhere, and not giving them the proper information about it is damaging. Sometimes, ignorance is not bliss; at the end of the day there will be teenagers who are sexually assaulted, bullied or raped. They need to learn when to recognise that they are in a dangerous situation, when to know that someone has crossed the line and where they can get help.
When you’re a teenager it’s all you think about. I remember the pressure of losing my virginity being almost unbearable as I was growing up… and I’m a woman… so stereotypes dictate that I shouldn’t really be feeling that pressure.
I feel sorry for all of the men out there who are sweating under the pressure of having to have sex before a certain age to be ‘normal’ and to have social status.
For those virgins reading this post I want to make something very, very clear:
Losing your virginity will be one of the most anti-climactic moments of your life.
You won’t feel different, you won’t look different… you probably won’t even get much pleasure out of the experience at all. Your social status will not change; you won’t become cooler or more popular just by losing your virginity. If you do then I’m sorry, but your friends are idiots.
It’s kind of baffling that people care about whether you’re a virgin or not in our society. We’re supposed to have moved on from the Christian idea of virginity being sacred… and we have, but it’s changed into something else.
Personally, I think that women still can’t win when it comes to sex- you’re either a whore or a prude and it’s rare that we manage to gain some kind of middle ground.
Opinions about sex are very varied. I’m sure we all have a number in our heads that we wan to hear when we ask our partner how many sexual partners they’ve had.
I think that both when you lost your virginity and how many people you’ve slept with in your life are unimportant. I think that they say things about you, (not good or bad things) but they do give an indication of your personality.
I don’t like the way that I lost my virginity. I’m not really going to talk about it here because it’s something that I still don’t like to think about. Maybe someday I’ll write about it on this blog, but that day is not today.
Sometimes I wish I’d waited until I’d met my current partner… other times I’m glad that I didn’t.
My advice would be to wait. Don’t run before you can walk, I don’t care what age you lose your virginity- or how you do it- but please, please just wait until you are ready. You’ll know when that moment comes, trust me. There’s no shame in waiting, and anyone who makes you feel ashamed is someone you should feel sorry for, they have no courage to stand up for themselves against the ridiculous expectations of society.
Sex is sacred, it’s the most private and intimate act- it’s an act of love and pleasure. Enjoy sex, because when it’s good, it’s incredible… but when it’s bad, it’s bloody horrible.
Take your time; some people will be ready at sixteen, others will be ready at thirty. There’s no rush.
About three years ago in the UK something called ‘Operation Yewtree’ started. This was the name given to an investigation carried out by the Police into claims of sexual abuse carried about by a wide variety of TV and radio presenters such as Jimmy Savile, Dave Lee Travis and Jim Davidson during the 60s/70s/80s.
The scale of the abuse is staggering. What’s even more staggering is that it’s taken this long to come out. These people were in positions of power and influence, and this protected them against legal action.
It’s absolutely shocking; thankfully legal action is now being taken, but I’m sure that’s little comfort to the victims who have had to spend their lives confused, angry and violated. I’m sure that whatever punishment they get it will never make up for the years that their victims were belittled, ignored and ridiculed.
How do you speak out against someone who’s famous? Who’s loved by millions of people?
We look at these instances and try to put them into the past, as with anything like this we try to distance ourselves from it and convince ourselves that it couldn’t happen now.
But it is.
It’s happening right now.
These days we have a new kind of celebrity; the Youtuber.
Youtube is a pathway to fame like no other; people can get millions of fans by doing very little and gain celebrity-level status overnight.
A lot of people use Youtube to escape from the real world, I can understand that- I know that after a hard shift at work it’s relaxing to sit and wind down watching videos. It exists in a kind of safe bubble where audiences who are lonely feel that they have someone they can connect with who understands them. They can message this person, contact them on social media and connect with them in a way that you can’t with traditional celebrities.
This all goes a long way to explaining the deep loyalty felt amongst fans of the Youtube community.
The problem?
Over the last few years, and even more so recently, it’s come to light that some of these Youtubers are abusing this loyalty in the worst way.
Allegations of manipulation, inappropriate behaviour and sexual abuse are starting to appear. Several of these Youtube celebrities have been involved in relationships with their underage fans.
This is statutory rape.
There’s no nice, pretty way to say that… it’s true. If you have sex with someone under legal age then you have raped them. The whole point of the age of consent is that they’re not deemed mature enough to weight up their options and decide for themselves.
Some of these accusations started to appear last year and the year before, but one event that happened very recently has really blown this whole thing wide open.
If you want the background and a good overview check here, here and here.
The event that has caused the shit to really hit the fan was this.
Essentially, a Youtuber named Sam Pepper created a video where he ‘pranked’ women by pinching them on the arse. Thankfully his audience was disgusted and Youtube removed the video. He then tried to pass it off as a social experiment. Some people believed him, some people didn’t. I think it’s worth pointing out that he has a record of doing disgusting, degrading ‘pranks’ like this in the past… and as the debate began on whether he was a pervert or a champion of social justice people began to come forward.
Allegations started to appear; women came forward and said that they’d been sexually assaulted by him.
These allegations spiralled and spiralled, if you want a mature, in depth account of what was and is going on please check out Laci Green.
On top of this another Youtuber came forward and created a video where he admitted to getting a minor drunk and forcibly having sex with her. The response from his fans was one of support for his courage at coming forward and apologising for his mistake, which-
Wait, what did I just type?
WOAH. WOAH, WOAH…
It’s okay because he’s sorry? HE RAPED SOMEONE.
Sorry Ladies and Gents, but I think I may have just wandered into an alternate reality where it’s okay to rape someone so long as you apologise for it. The girl in question was underage… ergo this was statutory rape.
RAPE.
Does this not mean anything any more?
People who create content on Youtube, vloggers, youtubers, whatever you want to call them, are placed upon a pedestal where they are untouchable. They have so much power in their hands and in some cases, as illustrated here, they abuse it.
Thankfully a number of these women are taking legal action. I really, really hope that a strong case is built against these people and that they are made to legally account for their crimes, the same way anyone else would be. We need to blow the lid right off this and teach them that fame cannot protect you from the law.
The problem is that if they’re not convicted then they could easily turn around and sue the people who spoke out against them for libel. Their lives are funded by the money they get from making their videos, if no-one watches them anymore then their careers are over and they will most likely be out to get revenge on those who spoke up against them.
These people have so much power; they have audiences of millions of impressionable teenagers. There are some who use this power for good; there are others- as illustrated above- who use this power to serve themselves at the expense of their young audiences.
Another thing that really angers me is this: a lot of the really famous Youtubers who used to be close to SP have gone silent. I can understand that, they realised a long time ago that something was wrong and distanced themselves. They want to protect their image, their earnings and their businesses.
So they’re saying nothing… or saying things that aren’t really applicable to the situation. They’re carrying on with their lives, not even pausing for a moment to acknowledge and give an intelligent response.
They also have millions of impressionable teenagers watching them. Are they okay with the fact that they’re teaching teenagers that the right thing to do is ignore all social responsibility and protect yourself at all costs? Are they even aware that this is probably the vibe they’re giving off?
It angers me that few of the truly massive Youtubers (at least the ones that are big in this country) seem to be able to stand up and speak out. They are promoting a culture of silence and I find this disgusting.
To the victims (not just of this, but of any kind of abuse or manipulation) I know it’s not as easy as ‘just go to the police/authorities and report it’ and I would be a hypocrite if I were to say that. If you’ve been involved with the Youtube scandal then I do urge you to stand up, you’ll have a lot of support behind you and you could be instrumental in making them pay for their abuse of power. I’d say the same to those who are going through any kind of abuse. However, if you just can’t then I’m not going to push the matter. Just please; please talk to someone about it. Look after yourself; you can, and will heal.
Finally I want to leave you with this thought: we have created ‘Youtube culture’ we are the ones who have helped these people obtain the money and fame that they have. We are therefore the ones who can take all of that away.
If you want to hear more please check out these videos:
There’s someone new at my work. We all knew who she was before she started.
I had to stop myself, to correct my thinking before joining in with the judgement of her. I’ll admit that at first I had a kind of morbid curiosity as to what she would be like. As of yet I haven’t experienced enough of her to make a fair and honest judgement.
I have to say that it surprised me why someone who enjoys fake tan/nails/eyelashes on a daily basis would want this job. It’s not glamorous at all. I have to keep my nails short, my hands are always covered in scratches, hair is best kept tied back, the uniform is unflattering and the customers can treat you like shit. My perception of her and my perception of this job do not mesh.
The point of what I’m writing here is this: I view myself as a feminist. Yet I still judged this girl based solely on her sexual reputation with the men in my home town.
That’s really sad; I’m kind of ashamed at myself for that. There is more to her than her reputation, I want to be able to put that aside and get to know her as a co-worker. I like the people that I work with. 90% of them are blokes, before I met my partner I was very wary about getting to know them. Now things are a lot more relaxed.
We talk about ‘slut-shaming’ a lot, but I think that a lot of the time we talk about it as if it were something far away and distant. It’s not, the knee-jerk reaction that I had, mentally, when I heard that girl’s name and the way that my co-workers (and shamefully, myself) reacted to it was slut-shaming.
I am interested to get to know her, to get to understand why she chose this job. We all have our reasons, myself included. I hate the uniform, the customers and not being able to paint my nails. There are, however, things that I like about this job. I like working in a male-dominated environment. I find guys easier to work with. I like the highly physical aspect to the job, I may be small but I’m strong and lifting, carrying and dragging things that weigh a lot makes me feel good about myself and my body. I feel physically useful. Dealing with shitty customers reminds me that I’m good at communicating and de-escalating situations. It also keeps me humble and teaches me when to stick up for myself.
It’s sad that everyone knows who this girl is, based purely on what she’s done in private. From an evolutionary stand-point you can understand why we view ‘sluts’ so negatively… but we’re not primates any more. We’re supposed to have evolved. So why is this reaction so deeply ingrained in us?
I can’t believe I’ve never written about this before, it’s something that I feel very strongly about and yet I’ve never actually posted anything about it on here.
Sexual bullying is any bullying behaviour, whether physical or not that is based on someone’s sexuality or gender. It can be done behind their back, to their face or via technology. This can include groping, unwanted touching or being forced to perform sexual acts against your will.
In a survey of 273 young people aged 11-19 40 had experienced unwanted touching, 28 had been forced to do something sexual and 31 had watched it happen to someone else.
Most of this behaviour is performed by boys towards girls, but this is by no means a one way street.
I don’t think that sexual bullying is anything ‘new’, I just think that in the last few years we’ve started to recognise it. This is something that has been going on for years and years, it just hasn’t been talked about it before.
I was sexually bullied- well, there’s no point beating around the bush- they bullied me relentlessly for months, feeling me up underneath the desk, stroking me and using constant degrading sexual language around me. It all came to a head when they sent me a thong for ‘secret santa’ which left me humiliated in front of my classmates.
I was thirteen.
When I went to my head of year and my form tutor it was laughed off as ‘boys being boys’. After this I held myself together for another two weeks before reaching the point where I couldn’t take anymore and I attempted to take my own life.
I don’t think that people know how to deal with sexual bullying, it’s an odd mixture between bullying and sexual assault and seems to be most common amongst teenagers. These factors mean that most of the time no-one knows who or how it should all be dealt with. There are no clear guidelines or advice on how to tackle it, or even how to spot it.
I think that for a lot of people sexual bullying is something that they don’t want to think about. How would you feel if your son or daughter was accused of being sexually bullied? How would you feel if your child came home crying because someone- and not just anyone, not an adult, but another child- was touching them inappropriately?
We live in an increasingly more sexualised culture, and we seem to be proud of this- so why the hell aren’t we extending our openness around sex to being able to talk about and tackle sexual bullying?
I know that you don’t want to believe that this is happening, but it is, and it is ruining people’s lives.
Personally I think that ‘sexual bullying’ is a soft term, it’s a gentle approach being used so as not to scare parents and teachers- to my mind, if someone is touching you in a sexual manner or forcing you to perform sexual acts then that is assault.
This is disgusting and sickening. After what happened to me I then had to spend the next four years in the same building as those boys. Even during my last days at school I would run away from them if I saw them coming towards me.
As usual this kind of thing will only change if every single one of us educates ourselves and has the courage to stand up and point out this behaviour when we see it.
Wow this post has been a long time coming! It’s been ages since this actually happened, I’ve just been swamped in other things that I wanted to write about so this has had to wait.
At the end of Part Two I mentioned how my teacher, Kay, had said that she was going to do a session where everyone had to reveal their deepest secrets and talk about all the things that they were ashamed about. She said that she would tell me when this was going to happen and give me the option to duck out of that session.
Well the session happened!
First Kay asked us to close our eyes and visualise on ourselves where our ‘scars’ would be, I put my mine across my arms (self harm) thighs, genitals (self harm and sexual assault), heart (bereavement and betrayal) and forehead/mind (mental illness) she then started to go around the circle and got us to talk about our scars.
There were some things that I didn’t expect, I think it’s easy when you have a mental illness or a history of something like sexual abuse to think of yourself as different to everyone else, you cut yourself off and tell yourself that no-one’s been through anything like that and no-one can possibly understand it… so it was weird and kind of comforting to go around the circle and hear that some people had had similar experiences to me.
I was pretty scared when it was my turn- a few people had asked to speak later, and I asked them if they wanted to go before them because I didn’t want to unload my van-loads of crap and have them feel that whatever they were going to say was stupid and inconsequential. They still declined to I went ahead.
I started at the beginning, I told them about growing up with my Grandma and bereavement, I then told them about my Dad and his anger problems and how that shaped my childhood- I told them about being scared and vulnerable and the things that he’d done.
I then told them about the first incidence of sexual assault when I was eleven and the second when I was thirteen. I then took a very deep breath and told them about my mental illness.
It’s hard when talking about my mentalism because the temptation is always to focus on the depression side of it in order to make people feel more comfortable, but I didn’t this time. It was kind of like ripping off a plaster and seeing as I’d talked about everything else without sugar coating it I just wanted to get it all out… so I told them about the psychosis side of my illness, I told them about the worst delusions I’d ever had and I didn’t hold back. I don’t really know what came over me, I think I was probably over eighteen years of repressing and lying finally getting to me.
And when I finished I looked around and everyone was quiet… and I felt physically sick.
Kay took over and said that it had been a big thing for me to disclose all of that and that I was nervous and frightened about how they would react, especially about the mental illness side.
She asked me what I was frightened about, and I replied ‘that no-one will ever come near me again’ and burst into tears.
Everyone got up and rushed over to hug me- I think this probably made me cry more! I was just so incredibly touched and amazed that they were all okay with me and that they were still treating me as normal.
It’s been about a month since this happened, and no-one’s been weird with me- in fact, I think we’re all much, much closer than we were before and I’m glad that the session happened.
It’s not radically changed my views on anything, but it has made me feel a little more relaxed about telling people and also broken down all the thoughts that I used to have about other people being ‘normal’ and not being able to understand what I’d been through. Everyone has their own shit; it just varies in amount and type.
I think I’ve touched on the issue of disclosing mental illness to friends and partners before, there’s no clear cut answer to when you should tell them that you have mental health problems. I do think the answer is different depending on your relationship with the person that you’re telling- I would say that partners, or potential partners should be told sooner than friends, just because you’re committing to a relationship with them… but then maybe you have a different opinion, I don’t know.
What I want to talk (write) about today is when in a relationship you should disclose a past of sexual abuse. I think that a history of sexual abuse comes under the same category as mental illness when is comes to disclosing it to friends, but it’s vastly different when it comes to telling a partner about it.
The problem with disclosing sexual abuse is that it affects anyone you’re having sex with (although obviously there are differing opinions on that) so in theory, shouldn’t you be telling a one night stand? This was something that I’d never thought of until I ended up having a chat with a guy who I’d had a casual relationship with and mentioned that I had been sexually assaulted- he was furious that I hadn’t told him.
In his mind I’d put him in an awful situation, even though I felt that it was none of his business and it hadn’t affected things. He was still happy to have sex with me when he knew, but he argued that it was unfair on him to have been put in that position. My cynical side says that he was just annoyed at having been ‘tricked’ into having sex with someone like me… but I did feel guilty.
I’m not sure how I’d feel if the tables were turned, I think I’d understand if it was just a casual relationship but I would feel hurt if it was my partner.
The frustrating part is that there are no clear answers, I’ve disclosed my past to men I’ve known for five minutes and had long term relationships where I’ve never said a word- I think it comes down to whether you feel the other person can handle it maturely, and sometimes it’s a lot easier to tell someone that you’re never going to see again as opposed to someone who you care about and don’t want to scare away. The fear that they’ll leave is something that always stays with me, there are hundreds of lovely girls out there without my past- why would someone choose to stay with me when they have the option of a simple, easy relationship without having to worry if their partner’s going to suddenly start crying during sex or freak out over being touched in the wrong place?
I’ve spent a lot of time putting myself in sexual situations- yes, partly because I’m young and curious- but also because I want to get rid of that fear, I don’t want this hanging over me and dictating my life. I need to know that I’m going to be okay- and I won’t know that until I’m right there in that situation. I don’t want my past to spoil my time with someone who matters; I want to be able to have sex with someone I’m in a committed relationship with without worrying that it’s going to go wrong.
Do we have a responsibility to tell everyone we have sex with? Or should we only tell those we’re in a serious relationship with? If the latter, when should we tell them? The first time we get intimate? The first time we have sex? Or when we know the relationship is solid and long term? Or, do we have the right to totally keep it to ourselves?
If you’ve been reading this blog for a while (or even just scanned a couple of posts) you’ll have noticed that I never use the word ‘rape’ to describe what happened to me. The reason why I don’t is simple- I wasn’t raped.
I was groped, molested, fingered, masturbated on… but not raped. Under law digital (that’s fingers ladies and gents) penetration is not rape.
I have mixed feelings about this
On one hand it demeans a little what happened to me, it also makes it difficult to explain to people- I generally use the term ‘sexual assualt’ or sometimes terms like ‘groomed’ or ‘molested’ but all of these are a long way off what happened. There is no easy definition for what happened to me, and that can make explaining it to people stressful and confusing. I don’t like to go into detail in case I upset the person that I’m talking to, but there’s no one term that gives a good idea of what exactly I’ve been through.
However, the fact that it isn’t classed as ‘rape’ has its merits. The word holds so much power and weight that when you say it you lose people- they panic and get swallowed up in the power that it holds. You become a victim, you become a rape victim rather than a person… and that’s hard.
I’m honestly glad that I don’t have to have that, I can play it down as much as I want to and make sure that whoever I’m telling takes it carefully. As well as this the word ‘rape’ carries a very particular image, it’s the stranger leaping from the bushes and violently attacking the drunken girl in the short skirt. I’m thankful that I don’t have to deal with this preconception.
There are ups and downs to the word ‘rape’, and I know that as much as I hate not being able to communicate what happened to me, I’m glad that I don’t have to say that word to the people that I love and deal with the preconceived notions that come with it.
I’m not protesting against the use of the word ‘rape’, I’m just trying to make you think (as always) about the power of words and labels, how they are a double edged sword- for every advantage they have a disadvantage, and perhaps having them is just the lesser of two evils.
So, apparently when a young man showers you with attention, asks if you have a boyfriend, kisses you when you say you don’t, spends hours cuddling and talking to you, states plainly that he isn’t interested in any other women and then hangs on your every word the next time you see him it means that he isn’t interested in a relationship with you at all.
Yeah.
That was MY reaction too.
I like to think that I’m as straightforward as possible (for a woman) when it comes to my relationships, I don’t play games and I keep things honest and up-front. I make it clear what I’m looking for and expect the same basic clarity in return, so it’s incredibly frustrating when I end up stuck in a quagmire of men and their ridiculous thought processes.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m very familiar with casual flings, one-night-only arrangements and the like, it’s not something that I get squeamish about or pretend not to have had experience with. I know when a guy only wants to have sex, and I’m blunt and open about that, I don’t see any shame in it. I’d rather that than be the stereotypical woman being lead up the garden path and used for sex. I own my body and I own my sexuality.
Knowledge of these kinds of relationships means that I know when something isn’t like that, I know when a guy wants more than that and if I like him and get on well with him then I’m happy to give it a go. After about six months of being reckless and single I’m starting to feel like it’s time to try a relationship again. The problem that I’m having is that I’m far too happy to compromise- which is fine for a casual fling, but not for something meaningful. In order to try and ease me off my ‘he’s shown interest in dating me- WE’RE SOULMATES!’ mentality I thought I’d come up with a list of qualities that the guy I date will have to have before I commit to a relationship with him:
1) He has to be mature enough to deal with my baggage- this is the big one, not just for me but for anyone with awkward baggage. I haven’t told any of my boyfriends so far about my mental health issues, I don’t think there’s really a brilliant time to do it… but this is a topic I could go on about for a while so I’ll save it for another post.
2) He has to get on with my friends. I’m one of those people who is closer to their friends than their family, so this is a HUGE issue for me. As well as this a lot of my friends are strong, independent ‘marmite’ like people (you either love or hate them…) and my guy would have to respect them and not fall into the ‘oh God he’s such a freak!’ trap.
3) Respect and embrace my dress sense. When I start dating a guy I usually tone down my ‘I escaped from the set of Foyle’s War’ look in order to make them like me… I really, really shouldn’t do this! It makes me feel crap and false and it’s such a part of who I am that the guy who I’m choosing to be with needs to not only be cool with it but EMBRACE it!
4) Be a good, fast communicator. It sounds really stupid, but after the way my last relationship ended (really, really badly…) I need guys to text or message me back promptly (when they can and within reason) I don’t want to be waiting for hours and hours for a response to a simple message. Add to this that I HATE HATE HATE communicating via technology (this coming from a woman who writes a blog… yeah, I never claimed to make sense.) I would so much rather speak to someone face to face. I only like to use technology to arrange meeting face to face or to quickly check in with someone to see how their week’s going if you’re not able to see each other.
5) HE’s NICE! I heard that a good trick is to watch how the man/woman in question behaves around shop assistants, waiters, other people in the service industry. They have to be kind, thoughtful and polite- the one thing I pride myself on is my niceness and so I need a man to match.
I could probably squeeze out a few more points if I really thought about it, but these are the ones that jump to mind immediately. Hopefully so long as I keep these basics in mind next time I’m thinking about dating a guy I’ll steer clear of people who I can’t have a fulfilling relationship with and end up with a lovely, caring and genuine bloke…
Yeah, easier said than done…
As always feel free to leave thoughts, comments and tips of your own!
The Druid Bird 
