I want to talk about suicide.
When I was sixteen I tried to kill myself, I didn’t succeed and ended up taking some time off school to try and recover; physically I was pretty much unharmed but mentally it was like my mind had been wiped clean.
I’ve tried to end my life a handful of times, some of them came closer to actually causing my death than others. Each time it was like I died and was born again; this probably sounds a little dramatic but I can’t think of a more accurate way to describe how it felt.
The attempt that happened when I was sixteen was the one that inspired me to create this blog, and the one that inspired me to live.
As I said before, after the attempt I had some time off to recover- then I went back to school. I didn’t feel any better than I had done, I still felt desperate and suicidal, I planned to take my life- this time for good. I’d tried to get better, to recover, but it wasn’t working. I realised that I’d truly reached the end of the road and I wanted to die.
I can’t describe what it’s like to get to that point, if you’ve never been there then you won’t understand, and that’s a good thing- you don’t want to. Even now, three and a half years later, I’m at the point of tears when I think about that time in my life. To think about committing suicide is to think about saying goodbye to your Mum, your brother, your best friends- even just your belongings. It’s to imagine the world turning and turning without you. It’s to imagine how your parents will live after their worst nightmare has come to life.
I sat through a physics lesson; I was completely brain-dead at this point, my mind was just going through the formalities of how I was going to end my life. It got to near the end of the lesson, I was starting to pack my bag when my physics teacher came over and lingered in front of me.
He asked me if I was okay.
I just sort of stared at him for a while and didn’t answer.
He said that he’d noticed that I hadn’t been in school for a while and wanted to check that I was alright. That he’d help me if I needed anything.
I told him that I was fine.
I didn’t kill myself that night, in fact, I haven’t tried to end my life since then.
I don’t know exactly what it was about those thirty seconds that changed my life; but whatever it was it worked.
It’s tiny little things like these that save lives; my physics teacher will probably never know the massive impact that he’s had on my life, but it just goes to show that we can all help to prevent suicide. It doesn’t matter who you are or what you do for a living- you never know what’s going through the heads of the people around you.
We can all make a difference.
’til next time,