First of all, apologies for not blogging on Friday… things kind of spiralled out of control very quickly towards the end of last week and I just didn’t organise myself well enough to allow for the usual Pagan Friday post to come.
Tonight I want to talk about what’s been causing all of this stress for me in the last week and just help to clear my head a little.
For the last year I’ve been attending a local stage-school doing a one year course that’s intended to be the equivalent of a foundation degree… I don’t actually know if it is. It was the first year that this course was run and now I’m coming to the end I’m finding myself in a horrible position. My circumstances have changed in the last year; I need a degree- and I’m not prepared to wait for another three years to get one.
I have the chance to do a degree in two years, but I have to stay with the stage-school that I’m currently at. This would be fine… but the principal/teacher/person in charge and who teaches everything is kind of worrying. By worrying I mean ‘plays mind games… all of the time.’ Recently I’ve felt that it’s got to a point where I should do something… but I can’t. I don’t know who to go to or what to say… she’s fucked with my mind and the minds of everyone else so much that no-one will say anything. And if they do then it’ll threaten one of the few chances that I have of getting a qualification that I really need. In other words, she has me well and truly by the bollocks.
In the last nine months I’ve become someone that I don’t recognise. I don’t like or recognise myself anymore… I feel like a stranger in my own head.
If I choose to take this option it’ll be because there’s nothing else for me, and I’ll be doing a deal with the devil.
I don’t know where I stand in my own head anymore, and that’s a terrifying thing for someone like me. I’m trying to concentrate on the end of the course and on taking my one-woman theatre to the streets of Edinburgh.
… But what the hell am I going to do in September?
’til next time,