It’s been kind of a rough week.
I don’t cope well under lots of stress and pressure, and at the moment things are being piled on me left, right and centre. I have no time to sort anything out- I work/am at my course 6 days out of the 7 and the last few weeks I’ve lost my only free day due to various bastards being arseholes.
I’m having a physical reaction too; my legs have patches of eczema and I’m getting mouth ulcers. I’m finding it hard to sleep and I’m stressing all of the time about everything.
On Tuesday last week I just sort of melted into a little puddle, I think I cried for about three hours, I just felt so crap and rubbish- actually, it was more than that. I felt numb, which is how I feel when I’m depressed- and so I freaked out completely.
Sometimes I look into the future and I see pain. Just pain, no hope or happiness- all I can see for the rest of my life is dull, grey pain.
It’s really scary to be in that position; because you’re left with only to choices- one is the bleak future that you can see set out in front of you, where every day hurts so much that you feel like you’re eternally drowning- the other is to end it all. And that’s terrifying.
I think that people who kill themselves are brave. You can say whatever else you like about them, but to have the courage and strength to go through with taking your own life is a bloody brave thing to do.
I don’t want to give up on this life, no matter how bleak it feels- and part of me thinks that’s just because I’m not brave enough to take my own life. I honestly don’t know if I could, I never like to make statements like that about myself because I know what I have done in the past; I know that when it comes down to it I can do things that I didn’t think I was capable of.
The stress of the last week kept making me flicker from numb to emotional. I found myself feeling nothing and then crying my eyes out for a few hours. I had some incredible support that made that time bearable, and I’m more thankful for that than I can ever express.
’til next time,