Reflections on Depression

I honestly can’t think of anything to write about; I mean, that’s sort of a lie- I’ve got loads of stuff stored away somewhere but it’s late, I’m tired and I don’t want to write an essay right now.

Lately I’ve been worrying. That’s pretty standard for me, I’m a naturally anxious person and so I seem to spend most of my free time worrying about anything and everything. The other day I sat down and cried for a few hours, I don’t know what happened- I just sort of lost it for a little while. All I could see was stress and fear ahead of me and I couldn’t take it anymore.

I’m scared about becoming depressed again; I’m scared about that feeling clouding over me and destroying everything. I could feel it descending on me again over the weekend and that scared me. It’s terrifying to look into the future and see nothing but pain.

I have a lot of things going for me in my life- but part of the anxiety and fear is the worry of losing them. I don’t want that cloud to come back over me. Anyone can get depression, but those who’ve had it once are much more prone to it. I’ve had it several times.

Mental illness opens your eyes, it changes the way that you think and the way that you see the world. It’s like you can suddenly see things that you never knew existed before… but once your eyes are open you can’t shut them again.

Our mental health is something that we take utterly for granted, it’s stupid and ridiculous but we do. We’re never taught that the concept of mental health even exists, we only find that out the hard way when we run into problems with ours.

I will live the rest of my life in fear of mental illness; in fear of the moment when the world closes in on me yet again. It will come, and when it does I will do all that I can to get through it; but I can’t know that I will. According to health professionals I’m a low suicide risk- they tell me that I have a lot of factors in my life that add up to give them this conclusion.

I don’t think I’m going to kill myself; at least, not in the near future- but even I can’t be certain. That’s the point, that’s why mental illness, suicide and depression are so terrifying- because, to a large extent, we can’t predict them.

’til next time,

Wren x


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