Hindsight is a wonderful thing, most of the time we don’t understand what’s going on until we’re far away from it.
We can get swept along with our thoughts and feelings and be blinded by emotion; pride and infatuation are big culprits. If we could see tings clearly all of the time then life would be a little pointless, we’re supposed to make mistakes and do things that we’re not proud of; if we didn’t then how could we ever decide what sort of person we wanted to be?
In the last few months I’ve had to come to terms with some difficult truths, especially regarding my career and my passions. I’ve been blessed and cursed in equal measure. I’ve grown up even more- far more than I thought was possible.
There are a lot of decisions to make about my future; every option will involve me being unhappy. There really is no middle ground; being with the people that I love will mean I have to give up the thing that I love, following the thing that I love will mean having to be apart from the people that I love. I feel like my heart is breaking, the pain is unbearable and there’s no easy option. There is no way out.
I have however come to realise that the world is a far more wonderful place than I’ve ever given it credit for. The Gods have blessed me in a way that I could have never imagined. I’m so happy; more happy than I ever thought that I could be. For the first time in my life I feel… I feel… like a real person.
For a personal blog I don’t actually write a lot about my personal life; things like that just make me uncomfortable. I’m a private person and there are areas of my life that I will always write about in ridiculous, ambiguous terms; so apologies for that.
I think the best way I can explain everything that’s going on in my life at the moment is by saying that I expected and planned out my life with just me; I put all of my energy into filling up my life and enjoying being alone… but now I can actually see a future where I’m loved, where I have a family of my own.
This revelation has changed everything; I’ve taken all of the pressure off myself- I don’t care about being successful, I want to do something that I love… and that’s not solely acting. I want to combine my love of writing, directing, acting and working with people who have mental health problems.
The Gods alone know how I’m going to do this, but I have the courage and determination to try. I want to do something that I find fulfilling, and I have the love and support in my personal life to pull me through all of the dark times.
’til next time,