Went back to the Doctor the other week and got some more medication, I started off on Citalopram 10mg per day for a week and then doubled the dose the next week. The Doctor said that I wouldn’t be feeling any positive benefit yet but should have noticed a little evening out in my mood.
I said that I had noticed it, at the moment I feel wonderfully neutral- neutral isn’t the goal with all of this, but seeing as I haven’t felt ‘neutral’ in about four years it’s a bloody fantastic feeling.
It’s not the same as I’ve ever felt either, if I ever felt neutral before it was an unstable kind of neutral (if that makes any kind of sense) that I knew wouldn’t last or I just felt dead… now I feel stable, and it’s so relaxing.
For the first time in years I’m content to just sit at home watching telly, if I end a night out in my own bed it’s not a letdown, for the first time ever I’ve ended a relationship and I feel okay- I can breathe again, I can relax and have fun and still maintain a sense of self respect and dignity. I actually care about myself, and I can enjoy my own company again.
My dosage will probably be raised, because as wonderful as neutral is it still isn’t where we want me to be… but for the moment I’m happy to be here in boring, plain neutral land.
’til next time,