So, apparently when a young man showers you with attention, asks if you have a boyfriend, kisses you when you say you don’t, spends hours cuddling and talking to you, states plainly that he isn’t interested in any other women and then hangs on your every word the next time you see him it means that he isn’t interested in a relationship with you at all.
That was MY reaction too.
I like to think that I’m as straightforward as possible (for a woman) when it comes to my relationships, I don’t play games and I keep things honest and up-front. I make it clear what I’m looking for and expect the same basic clarity in return, so it’s incredibly frustrating when I end up stuck in a quagmire of men and their ridiculous thought processes.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m very familiar with casual flings, one-night-only arrangements and the like, it’s not something that I get squeamish about or pretend not to have had experience with. I know when a guy only wants to have sex, and I’m blunt and open about that, I don’t see any shame in it. I’d rather that than be the stereotypical woman being lead up the garden path and used for sex. I own my body and I own my sexuality.
Knowledge of these kinds of relationships means that I know when something isn’t like that, I know when a guy wants more than that and if I like him and get on well with him then I’m happy to give it a go. After about six months of being reckless and single I’m starting to feel like it’s time to try a relationship again. The problem that I’m having is that I’m far too happy to compromise- which is fine for a casual fling, but not for something meaningful. In order to try and ease me off my ‘he’s shown interest in dating me- WE’RE SOULMATES!’ mentality I thought I’d come up with a list of qualities that the guy I date will have to have before I commit to a relationship with him:
1) He has to be mature enough to deal with my baggage- this is the big one, not just for me but for anyone with awkward baggage. I haven’t told any of my boyfriends so far about my mental health issues, I don’t think there’s really a brilliant time to do it… but this is a topic I could go on about for a while so I’ll save it for another post.
2) He has to get on with my friends. I’m one of those people who is closer to their friends than their family, so this is a HUGE issue for me. As well as this a lot of my friends are strong, independent ‘marmite’ like people (you either love or hate them…) and my guy would have to respect them and not fall into the ‘oh God he’s such a freak!’ trap.
3) Respect and embrace my dress sense. When I start dating a guy I usually tone down my ‘I escaped from the set of Foyle’s War’ look in order to make them like me… I really, really shouldn’t do this! It makes me feel crap and false and it’s such a part of who I am that the guy who I’m choosing to be with needs to not only be cool with it but EMBRACE it!
4) Be a good, fast communicator. It sounds really stupid, but after the way my last relationship ended (really, really badly…) I need guys to text or message me back promptly (when they can and within reason) I don’t want to be waiting for hours and hours for a response to a simple message. Add to this that I HATE HATE HATE communicating via technology (this coming from a woman who writes a blog… yeah, I never claimed to make sense.) I would so much rather speak to someone face to face. I only like to use technology to arrange meeting face to face or to quickly check in with someone to see how their week’s going if you’re not able to see each other.
5) HE’s NICE! I heard that a good trick is to watch how the man/woman in question behaves around shop assistants, waiters, other people in the service industry. They have to be kind, thoughtful and polite- the one thing I pride myself on is my niceness and so I need a man to match.
I could probably squeeze out a few more points if I really thought about it, but these are the ones that jump to mind immediately. Hopefully so long as I keep these basics in mind next time I’m thinking about dating a guy I’ll steer clear of people who I can’t have a fulfilling relationship with and end up with a lovely, caring and genuine bloke…
Yeah, easier said than done…
As always feel free to leave thoughts, comments and tips of your own!
‘til next time,