I know it’s been a long time… shit happened, then more shit happened- namely the man who said he loved me and wanted to be with me forever broke things off without a word or explanation- but I’m done with this sadness thing, I’ve listened to Adele on repeat and eaten far too much chocolate… it’s been just under a week and I’m finding my feet again, time to move on.
As you’ve probably sussed by now, I’m the sort of person who over thinks every single little stupid thing… and then worries about it. And then worries a little bit more… and then can’t sleep and… you get the picture.
I used to think this was unavoidable, that it was just part of me and who I am. I thought that I’d have to spend my life praying for miracles and men to throw themselves at my feet.
Well it turns out I was wrong- cos I’ve done rejection. I mean. I’ve really done rejection, and I’m still here and strong and having a much better life.
It first happened just before Christmas when I got so frustrated with the guy I was completely in love with that I told him my feelings, 99% sure they’d be returned… only they weren’t. He was horrified that he’d accidentally lead me on and made me feel that way, I was horrified that the world I’d built for us in my head had just crumbled before my eyes- and that it felt a little like someone had stamped on my heart.
But guess what? I got over it! It was horrible, and it was hard, but I’ve spent years chasing guys who obviously never liked me, deluding myself into thinking that they were secretly waiting to divulge their feelings for me because I was too terrified of rejection just to ask them.
Right now you’re probably skim reading this with your heart in your mouth, trying to convince yourself that the situation I’ve just described doesn’t apply to you, because you and Mr/Ms X are different to me… you’re not.
If you have deep, deep feelings for someone then you have three choices:
1. Ask them out; you’ll get a yes or a no, but the thought of the latter might make you feel a little sick…
2. Don’t ask them out; spend years and years pining and stalking and feeling constantly on edge, then look back in ten years time and think about how much you missed out on because of your hopeless fantasy.
3. Move on… actually, that’s not good enough: MOVE THE HELL ON!
The randomly angry edge in this post comes from the fact that my best friend Cee is in love with my other best friend Callum… and if I have to listen to another one of her contrived ‘he secretly loves me back but he doesn’t want to be with me, or even near me, or even hang out with me because he’s so scared of his own feelings!’ speeches I think I may vomit. Like she does. On me. Every weekend. To get his attention.
Onto rejection part two:
I’m an actress, and if I do say so myself I’m a pretty damn good actress. I’m hard-working, dedicated, committed, passionate and (a rare but highly valued commodity in the performing arts industry) easy to work with.
The stage is my first and only love- (apart from my Gods, but my love for them is to base and primal that I feel it can go unspoken) and every man in my life learns that early on.
I did the audition circuit for the first time this year and got rejected from every drama school that I applied for. This isn’t because I’m shit, it’s because I’m eighteen- and drama schools just will not accept people my age.
Acting is an incredibly personal thing- so when you get rejected it hurts like hell.
Actually, it does at first, then it gets better. I thought that each rejection would slowly kill a little more of me- but when it happened I felt fine, perhaps a little upset at the end of the day, but generally fine.
Miss P sat me down and told me that I have a serious future in the performing arts industry- but that I will be miserable for the rest of my life. She then asked me if that would stop me; I just laughed and told her that nothing would stop me.
I think what I’m trying to say here is that yes, rejection hurts, but the fear of it screwed up my life far more than it did. I’m thankful every day that I’m an actress, because when you’re constantly rejected it starts to take away some of the hurt and you grow a thicker skin.
Don’t run away from rejection; embrace it. I promise it’ll make your life better.