So, now we’ve reached New Year (Celtic New Year: 1st November) I feel it’s time to reflect a little on the past year and all the craziness that came with it.
Last Samhain was a little dismal for me, I tried to meditate to talk to my loved ones and was pushed away- I tried to welcome in the spirits but none came, I begged the Gods to tell me why my natural affiliation with the dead seemed to have crumbled and faded and the response I received was stark and honest:
“You’ve done death- now it’s time to do life.”
The Gods told me in pretty plain terms that I was closer to the dead than the living, that I was barely alive- that’s not a message that I will ever forget receiving and one that hit me like few things have. I’d been drifting through life without putting down roots, I’d spent all my time preserving things and being ready to die at any moment.
Looking back I see myself as a sort of ghost- it’s really hard and really weird to think of how I used to be, but now I know exactly why the Gods did what they did and I’m grateful.
I’ve spent this last year living- to be honest it got off to a pretty rough start with me trying to find out where I stood in terms of my Go To Guy and my place as the fifth wheel (literally) of my friendship group (according to Jay I win some sort of prize for being a seventh wheel at one point.) But around May time I really started to come out of my shell, I reached a point where I felt confident and good about myself, I began to relax majorly around men and let my life flow as it should.
It was around this time that I got Juliet- WOOOO! And made a decision about what I wanted to do in life (acting ftw :P) I piddled along until June when I went on holiday, survived falling down a mountain, being ferried around in The Hearse and an amazing midnight car journey across the UK.
When I got back and steamed into summer I started wandering around with my friends until the small hours, getting into vintage and starting to become comfortable with sex.
This lead to my first kiss, spending the night with a guy and becoming a strong, independent woman. I got my amazing ADA grades, partied with the best of them (read: EPIC MILK EXPEDITION/’THE QUEST FOR MILK’) and hit the ground running at the start of term.
Since then my life has been taken over with a hell of a lot of R+J and even more snogging (I’m really not complaining) interspersed with partying and general good times of which I totally rocked… I fired my CAMHS nurse and demanded a proper evaluation which I shall be getting in a couple of weeks, I took control of my illness and have decided to consider the idea of formally quitting self harm.
To make a long story short, I have to say that after a rocky start I took the advice given to me by my Gods and started living. I can stand up say that I am a real person, a real flesh and blood person with a life and loved ones and spirit and soul… I am no longed a ghost.
Hope you all had a blessed Samhain and a Happy New Year!
A thousand times goodnight 🙂