I could have written a wittier title but I feel that there’s no point in being coy.
Needless to say I didn’t sleep very much the other night- I think I got about three hours in total which was rather horrible. I got up out of bed at about three in the morning, opened my window, lit a candle and got my tarot cards out.
Had a fairly telling spread- wheel of fortune, the chariot and then the knight of wands reversed. I’m hoping for some good luck at the moment.
When I finally managed to get to bed I had some very vivid dreams- I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this here before but after my big meditation a few weeks ago I’ve been having the most graphic dreams. They’re starting to wane a little now, but it’s been amazing to dream again after years and years of nightmares and fearing sleep.
Anyway, I grumpily got out of bed, showered, dressed and marched through the nasty muggy weather to school only to find that they’d locked the back gate which meant I had to walk all the bloody way around the school (I wanted to cry, I was actually on the verge of tears for quite a while) I was daring the sky to break and have the massive thunderstorm it seemed to want. So far it’s been taunting me by not complying.
I got in and got hold of my envelope. I milled around a little and chatted to people before being told by my best friend Cee that everyone had done badly in philosophy- she’d gotten a D- so I went and spoke to Sir who told me that he needed me to sign something, note that at this point I still hadn’t opened my envelope and found out my grades, so I played ‘guess my results’ with him and came out a little above my expectations- I guessed an E overall and he said it was a D- small victories my friends, small victories!
From chatting to people it was made abundantly clear that we were all screwed- one of my friends has properly, completely failed everything- most people got Cs and Ds and so on- which was terrifying for me as I feared my obsessive, neurotic revision was all for naught (seriously, I didn’t have an Easter holiday, I spent two weeks watching Film4 and doing revision- I didn’t even have time to do my bloody homework.)
Me and some friends got dragged outside by a photographer for the local paper to have our pictures taken- so I shall be in the local rag next Thursday! If you’re lucky and I’m feeling relaxed about the whole anonymity thing I may post you a glorious photo of my exhausted and slightly nauseous mug. An interesting note for the photo is that the other three people in it are holding their results whereas I’m holding a resit form, ahahah.
I eventually sidled off home and decided that I would put the results to one side and spend the afternoon being nice to myself. I made a glorious banana sandwich and sat down to read some fanfiction. Oh yeah, that’s my idea of a relaxing afternoon 😉
(I should also add that I followed up the sandwich with a slice of chocolate cake… I figured I might as well push the boat out.)
The afternoon wore on quite pleasantly, the little brown envelope tucked under my sewing machine with reaching distance but well out of my mind.
Eventually my Ma came home, she ragged me out slightly for not opening my envelope which honestly pissed me off, with the amount of people I’d seen get bad results it was realistic to expect that mine would be less than brilliant and quite frankly I wanted to have a nice day before the inevitable bad results were revealed and I was left wondering what the hell I was going to do with the rest of my life.
My Dad and brother went of leafleting (did I mention that I ended up sat folding leaflets the night before results as a kind of desperate therapy?) and I kind of snapped. I went up to my room, I felt so sick and I ended up standing by the window sobbing for about ten seconds (I cry all the time- not in front of people, but I honestly tear up so much! Apparently it makes me a good actress though so *shrugs* swings and roundabouts.) Before I dried my eyes, gave myself a little talking to and gently, inch by inch, pulled my results from the envelope.
I had the usual ‘what-the-crap-do-all-these-numbers-mean-and-where-are-my-results’ panic before staring in a kind of stupor at the massive letters printed on the page.
I already knew I had a D in philosophy so it was just history and psychology in the balance- including the philosophy results I got:
Oh yeah, at this point I kind of forgot to breathe and ended up hyperventilating in a very unattractive manner as I stumbled down the stairs to show my Ma. I’m still in shock honestly; I just didn’t expect it from what had happened to everyone else.
My GCSEs went so badly with my mentalness, it was honestly a really horrible time for me and getting the results for those was awful, I had to look at the extent of what my mental illness had done to me. I tried so bloody hard for these and it was a huge relief to see that all that hard work had paid off.
Right now I feel like I can relax for the first time in ages- so I’m going to pop off and get some sleep (I’m writing this on Thursday evening) I’ve got a busy few days coming up and I’m going to need it.
’til next time,