Because I Don’t Want to be Defined by my Mental Illness

This is something I’ve been wanting to write about for a while, so bear with me.

There are things that I want people to know about me- things that I think are important, or rather, things that I think are more important than other things.

I don’t tell people about my mental health problems- or if I do I never let on the extent of them. I don’t want people to look at me like that, because I know that however much they say they won’t they still will- and I don’t blame them.

When people get to know me I want them to know me as the capable one, as the one who can hold her nerve in any situation and do the right thing. I never lose the ability to crack a joke, even if it’s at my own expense. I’m a tough old bird in the skin of a teenager- and all I want to do is be nice to people.

A little while ago I got a Witchvox account, the little automated thingy asked if I had a website I wanted to link to on my profile, so naturally I stuck in the address to this blog.

It only took a few days for me to start having serious cold feet. I’ve met people via Witchvox who I now know in real life. I’ve added them on facebook, they know my real name and have met me in person.

I’m terrified that they’re going to click on the link and read this blog.

So far I don’t think (yeah, I’ve been obsessively checking my stats) anyone I know has come to this blog, but that doesn’t meant that they won’t.

I need to show people that I’m tough, that I’m capable- I can’t bear the thought of them watching me, waiting for me to crack.

It comes down to one very simple thing.

I am more than the sum of what people have done to me.

I am more than depression, hallucinations, panic attacks, molestation, abuse-I am so much more.

I love the rain and hate quiche, I’m a night owl who’s addicted to loud music but hates raised voices. I’m the biggest history geek you’re likely to come across and I can swear like a sailor when the occasion calls for it. Oh, and I’m an enthusiastic naturist who will talk candidly aboutanythingeven when in a public place.

So if you’re reading this and you know me in person know that right now I’m trusting you. I’m not trusting you to keep secret the fact that I’m mental. I’m trusting you to treat me like everyone else.

Because yeah, shit happened, but it doesn’t define me. I’m a tough bird, I can cope.

I write about it on here because this is somewhere I can be honest. I’m so fixated with seeming tough in real life that I hide everything to do with my depression and assorted other mental problems. On here I feel like I won’t be judged, I know that I would be by my peers.

Thank you for reading 🙂

Wren x

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6 thoughts on “Because I Don’t Want to be Defined by my Mental Illness

  1. Yeah, I will NEVER tell a new boyfriend about what I’ve been diagnosed with, nor new friends, employers, etc. etc. because they use it against me! Especially my ex. Every day. He could say whatever he wanted, and then I’d confront him and he’d say “You’re delusional. You’re mental state’s messed up. You’re not interpreting it right.”

    Anyways, it ended up being temporal lobe epilepsy that was causing the hallucinations, and the treatment is much more pleasant, but even that’s a secret. People define others by their illnesses. 😦

  2. Hey, I respect you for posting this and in all honesty my opinion may not really matter but I’ll speak it anyways. You seem ashamed for something beautiful that has been bestowed upon you, though we may see it as a curse, the perks that come along with it are unmatched. I have depression, you already have seen that. I battle it without medication and yes, it becomes debilitating, and people see me crack, but they respect me more when I bounce back up and stick it to the world with the ideas that come out during my lows. You are a beautiful young soul, and being judged or fearing hurting people shouldn’t worry you so. Hold strong, and if you crack, you crack. No ones waiting or wanting it to happen, but it does. Holding it in makes it worse when it does. As I said though, you have more than most could wish for because of your illness, and once that’s fully harnessed and put to use, judgement will be the last thing on their minds.

    • and no illness defines a person in my opinion, it’s up to the person to define themselves. Good luck, and thank you for writing this.

      • You’re completely welcome, thanks for commenting! I agree with what you’re saying, having something like depression makes you able to see the beauty in the world more clearly- thank you.
        Wren x

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