You know that feeling, that odd calm feeling you get when you know you’re going to die? that’s kind of how I’m feeling at the moment.
I have no strong desire to die, I’m not planning to kill myself or anything like that- I don’t ever feel like self harming.
I just feel kind of lost and bewildered, nothing much makes sense anymore. Yesterday I walked out of the house- just got my bag and coat and book and walked out. I walked all the way into town (which was deserted) all the way around town and then back across the stray (for the non Harrogate people out there ‘the stray’ is a massive stretch of grass with lots of benches) I sat down on a bench and read my book. I stayed there in the freezing cold for two hours, at one point I started crying- openly crying in a public place– because of the inscription on the bench. It said ‘we never lose the ones we truly love, they live in our hearts forever’ and just got to me.
So far I haven’t had a decent cry- the weird bench cry was pretty hastily stopped. I eventually walked home once I’d finished my book, which was good timing as I was shivering pretty violently. On the way home I walked up the main road talking to myself pretty loudly and laughing. I just felt really uncomfortable not talking, like I was holding in a burp or something.
Right now I feel confused and dazed, I’ve been working and working and working- I had last Saturday, the first day of the holidays, off and I haven’t had a day off since. I’m trying to revise but they’ve set so much fucking homework.
I can’t do this, I just can’t do this anymore. I want to put my head in my hands and cry, I feel so fucking defeated. I can’t sleep at night- I can’t think anymore! I just want some time when I can sit and think and just fucking relax- I’m tired and frustrated and I have to keep on going when all I want to do is have a bloody temper tantrum.
I don’t know why this is happening, my life should be so good right now, I’m branching out and meeting new people and doing new things and everything should be so wonderful and it’s not. I can’t get this weight off my chest, I can’t fucking breathe and no-one’s helping me.
Oh god, I feel like I’m drowning sometimes- I just want someone to stand up and be the adult, but it’s too late for that. I’ve gotten this far on my own, I have to keep going.
Life doesn’t feel real at the moment. I feel like I’m dreaming, everything seems hazy and crap and the feeling in the bottom of my stomach just won’t go away. It’s like bitter lead- I’ve been in this place so many times before and I know as well as the next person that no-one’s going to come along and wave a magic wand to make this better. They can’t, as much as they might want to.
I know I have to get through this alone, that all I can do is ride it out- but that doesn’t stop me from wanting that magic remedy.
’til next time,