I don’t really know what to say… should I sit here and write about how things have been in the last few days? About how my mood’s been at rock bottom and how I’ve been falling back into old habits and coping mechanisms… should I sit here and tell you that I seem to be becoming a child again?
I don’t know, I don’t know- it feels like even my grim and persistent sense of humour is failing me.
I’m in pain, my arms and legs are killing me and I can’t tell anyone- self-injury doesn’t get sympathy. I had more blood today than I’ve ever had before, I peered down my sleeve ten or so minutes after I’d cleaned myself up and rejoined the living to find that it had bled again and covered the skin of my forearm.
I’ve cleaned myself up properly but am not looking forward to showering tonight.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me, at the moment I’m trying to stay calm. Depression sometimes feels like claustrophobia, the moment you realise how trapped you are you get scared and lash out and end up hurting yourself.
Because this is the internet and all anonymous I feel okay to admit thatI’m scared.
I feel like a little child wandering about in a big world, and I have to deal with this on my own- I’ve always had to, and I always will have to. I have to ease my Ma through what’s wrong with me and gently explain and sanitize things for my friends. I have to cope with my Dad losing control and rationalise his behaviour.
I’m sorry, but I’m the one in need of help here… I put every bit of energy I have into hiding what’s wrong, into being normal- and sometimes I’m tired.
People think I’m much more capable than I am, they think that because I want them to, because I do everything in my power to make it that way. But at the end of the day I don’t know what to do, and I need help.
My CAMHS nurse is god knows where- well, I think she’s ill- but when she gets back I’m not getting in touch. I’ve been in therapy for two and a half years and kept every single appointment. My social worker commented on it a lot, she said that I was very unusual in that respect. I don’t want to see anyone at the moment, I’m angry and hurt and rejected, and I know it’s just a fact of life but I don’t want to be sensible anymore.
I’m sick of hiding and being nice and good- I’m angry and I’m hurt, and I have the right to sit and cry and be a bitch sometimes.
I don’t want to go into all the shit about why I feel I have to be perfect and stick to the rules- that’s something for another day and going over it will only make me upset.
Thanks to everyone reading and everyone who’s offered support, I promise I’ll be back with it soon- things are just pretty shit at the moment 🙂
Wren x
The Druid Bird 
Just the same as you said on this post “I don’t know what to say” but I want to say something. You said on a post of mine “It’s not my place to judge but….” I too feel the same, I understand where you are, okay I don’t know or understand all of the reasons as to why you are at rock bottom but I understand the feeling of being there. I’ve lived there, I pitched a tent and stayed for what felt like forever. Therefore I have heard all the “clinical” advise, and to be fair, I never want to hear again not because it didn’t help at all, but because it is all the same, “It will get better”, “lets write down some positive affirmations”. Bugger that you are right it IS okay to be angry, to be hurt, to cry and it most certainly is ok to be a Bitch. But do also grab hold of all you positives, I know there is more in your life but what I know about you is – you are a talented writer and you are caring enough to post to help make someone else feel better and to be honest that is an AMAZING quality. I look forward to reading your posts but more than that I look forward to reading your posts as you get through this.
Thank you! Wow, that’s so lovely of you to say- I really can’t say how much I appreciate that comment… I know that I’m going to get through this, I don’t know how long it will take but I know that I can do it.
Thank you again for all your support 🙂
Wren x
Your welcome 🙂 Anytime.
I’ve been there, in my own way. That pit of hell with seemingly no way out. For me, it was after my youngest son was born – what was supposed to be a time of joy instead become one of horror as I developed post-natal depression and post traumatic stress disorder after his birth. Please – continue to write about it and talk about it and bitch and moan and whine and everything else you need to do. Writing can be very cathartic for the soul.
You’re right, writing is cathartic for the soul, it helps so much to be able to sit and write about things. What you went through sounds horrible, sometimes it feels like the universe has a sick sense of humour- it takes something that should be wonderful and warps it horribly.
Thank you for your comment 🙂
At my worst, the voices were telling me to use a kitchen knife to cut out my uterus.”I wasn’t a real woman” kinds of talk. Only my husband’s presence, and my fear kept me from doing just that.
I know that pit well. I’m in and out of it with alarming regularity – and am there now. You are NOT alone, you never are. Write about how you feel; verbalize it, stuff the spelling and grammar, even if all you can manage is WAAHHH!!!. NOBODY will tell you you’re wrong.
I’m at work ATM so can’t stay for as long as I like but I will come back and I will write more. Hang on honey. We will get you where you need to be. xxx
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I don’t really know what else to say… I hope you’re coping too and that things get brighter for you soon 🙂
Wren x
I’m so very sorry I didn’t come back to you yesterday – life is chaos for me at the moment! Anyway, never mind that.
I’m so pleased to see you’re feeling better today. Please don’t ever apologise for feeling blue – it happens and we all understand, having been there at some stage or another. I have found that having the blog is a good way of venting all the rage I feel – I can always delete it afterwards.
Stay in touch hon, and look after yourself.
S xxx
It’s fine, sometimes life gets in the way 🙂
Thanks, it does help a lot to be able to vent!
Wren x
You just take care of yourself – it’s so easy to forget that we may be online friends, but we’re still friends.
Stef xx
I will, and same back to you 🙂
Wren x
I have Autism, which borders more on Aspergers Syndrome most of the time. A huge part of that is depression, and I slip in and out of it during times of severe stress and changes of routine. I randomly came across your blog whilst figuring out where my stats were coming from, and had a good read. I’m glad that you are able to voice how you feel. You may think you’re sounding horrible, and that your readers won’t want to know about it, but that’s not the case. I only wish I had the same courage to write how I feel when I’m low onto my blog.
Thank you, that’s really lovely to hear- I think what motivated me most to write about it was that I realised that if I couldn’t talk about it on an anonymous blog, then where could I talk about it? It’s weird at first, really weird- but I’ve had so many encouraging comments from people, and that’s helped me realise that I have a right to be angry and rant and rave, and no-one’s going to judge me for it. You’ll find the courage to do the same.
Wren x