I’ve kind of started with a bland title… I don’t know what I’m really trying to say in this article, only that it’s a weird splurge-y thing that I want to get off my chest.
Suicide is a difficult topic, and one that’s certainly not clear-cut in any way- this is really just me reflecting on how it feels to be friends with someone attempting to take their own life.
Recently a friend told me that she was going to kill herself. I spoke to her at length and decided that she wasn’t going to go through with it (this is someone who I’ve known very well for a long time) but that night she did.
Well, she tried- ended up in hospital for a couple of days- and then came back into school.
I don’t really know how I feel about this; I don’t really know how I’m supposed to feel. Am I supposed to be angry, guilty, upset?
I don’t know… when I heard I just felt tired, I felt like I wanted to slap her and walk away. I couldn’t deal with it, I mean, I could deal with the suicide thing- I’ve been there a few times myself, it’s not a concept that’s foreign and horrifying to me.
It’s the fact that she didn’t think- and hasn’t thought- about how it would affect me and everyone around her.
I know I’m being a hypocrite here, I know I might be making a few people reading this feel bad- and that’s not my intention. Suicide is a weird thing and the person who’s probably blowing things out of proportion now is me. I shouldn’t be angry… but I am.
I’m angry that she hasn’t made a move to apologise, I’m angry that she hasn’t thought about how I feel or about my position in the whole situation. I’m angry that she expects people to be sympathetic and lovely towards her about it when actually we have a right to be pissed off. I’m angry that she’s now relying on Jess, who is non-mental and has no experience in this area. I’m angry that she stood up and said that no-one helped her when I was there for every minute that I could have been.
I had an interesting talk with someone about how sometimes you can’t stop people- you can’t sit with them every minute of every day and make sure that they’re safe and not going to hurt themselves.
Sometimes people will kill themselves and there’s nothing you can do about it.
If I’m being honest I’ve got to say that I don’t know how to respond to her- I feel hurt and used (because of other things she’s done, not just her trying to kill herself. I could forgive her if it was just that) At the moment I’m just trying to stay away from her, I don’t want to say something that I might regret.
This whole thing has been a massive eye opener for me, it’s rare that I find myself on the outside looking in… normally I’m the one trying to kill themselves. I know that I didn’t behave like her- I know that I felt horrible and guilty- but does that mean I can take the moral high ground?
And hopefully next time I have to make a decision about someone’s safety I’ll have the courage to put my foot down and insist that they get help… because I’m not taking any more chances, I don’t want to be stood by someone’s grave knowing that I could have done more.
Cheers for reading,