“Everyone in here’s in a bad mood… except Michael, but he’s just sat making fish noises.”
I think that kind of sums up the last few days to be honest with you… the holidays finished, I went back to being a sixth former and occasional agony aunt- only to find that the agony aunt part of my life had sprouted wings and taken over.
And if that wasn’t bad enough I’ve got to deal with the omnipresent ‘To Do’ list, which is sitting on my life like a large sit-y thing.
Now, I’m used to dealing with stress and shit, so the fact that I’m sat griping about it therefore indicates that there must be something that’s pushed me over the edge- and trust me when I say it’s a fairly big ‘something’
I have a friend who is… well, depressed, self harming- suicidal. She’ll cry on me pretty much every other day and has been doing so since November-ish time. She’s my friend, I’m going to stick by her- even though all my other friends are telling me that she’s attention seeking and that I need to get away from her for the sake of my own mental health- I can’t justify walking away when I’m one of the few people left around her.
Sometimes she’ll not turn up at school for a few days and ignore my texts- obviously leading me to assume the worst- it gets even worse when I find out that she’s been replying to other people, just not me.
Today is one of those days.
Only it was made worse by the fact that yesterday morning she told me that she wanted to kill herself.
We had a chat at the time and I thought that I’d managed to make sure that she was going to be okay and that I would be seeing her the next day- but when she didn’t turn up today I kind of pissed myself- obviously ‘kind of pissed myself’ being an understatement; it’s more of a cold, creeping, sick feeling.
I’ve now managed to discover that she’s alive- she’s replying to one of my friends- but she’s completely ignoring me.
Right now I’m tired, I’m ill, my monthly cycle is really late, I have a tonne of work to do, I’ve been having splitting headaches- and I never have headaches- my memory is non-existent and I’m aching everywhere. I’ve spent the last five hours staring at my phone and feeling sick to my stomach with worry.
Sometimes I wish I was strong enough to walk away from her, to cut all ties and move on- but I can’t do that- I’m terrified of hurting her, I can’t just leave her to fend for herself, it just seems so cruel, to drop someone and walk away when they need help.
But right now I just feel used, I feel like she’s the puppet-master making me dance and that thought makes me furious.
*sigh* I don’t know what to do, I don’t think I ever will, it’s just one of those things where you have to be the bigger person and move on. Last time she did this I was fuming, this time I’m too tired to care.
Cheers for listening to my griping 😉 hopefully things will brighten up soon 😀
Ta for now, Wren x