My mum’s been crying- apparently things with my Auntie aren’t looking good. I couldn’t really ask for any clarification on the situation, she was pretty upset- and still is.
I’m pissed off at the moment. Pissed at my friends mainly, I recently got an invitation from one of my friends asking me to a party- she’s not one of the people that I’m really angry at, we get on quite well and she hasn’t done anything to upset me. It’s the first kind of contact I’ve had in over a month from anyone, I feel incredibly lonely at the moment. I’m terrified about my Auntie and am trying to look after my mum and brother and shoulder most of the emotional crap that’s coming from them. I‘m not saying it’s a bad thing, or complaining about it- I like having something useful to do for once.
I want someone to comfort me.
It’s all I’ve ever wanted. The worst moments are when I’m losing at and the pain inside is so bad that it seems to claw its way out, leaving me sat there, on the floor with my arms wrapped so tightly around myself that I can barely breathe in a pathetic attempt at self comfort.
I have all these emotions rapidly firing off in various directions and I really don’t know what to do with myself. This next week’s going to be hectic- on Friday the hospital make some sort of decision as to what to do about my Auntie but we’re going to be in Suffolk. Mum said that we may have to drive back home on Friday if the need arises.
I don’t know what we’re going to do if she dies. These last few days it’s felt like she’s going to be alright- like she’s just going to hop up and be fine again. I don’t do half measures and I’ve already gone through the ‘grieving’ and ‘relieved’ stages. I’ve been through the emotional response to both of the possible outcomes. I feel like a broken record, constantly on repeat.
My mum was upset so she wanted a night in front of the telly, so I took her place and went with my dad to see a performance by the Ukulele Project at the theatre. It was pretty awesome and lifted my spirits for the night. I would highly recommend them to anyone, they play fantastic music (I got so excited whenever they did a little drumbeat on the ukuleles, it was pretty geeky) and are very funny, in a cute, whimsical kind of way… and no, they’re not paying me to say this- trust me, if I had any kind of money I’d be out of this house in a heartbeat.
It was disgustingly hot today, I had to walk a loooong way from Trax to get home, mum and dad had gone to the hospital and I was too sore to go on my bike (the less said about that the better) so I made the long trek home through town.
I feel quite justified in describing the walk as a ‘fucking slog through the desert’ though I have been told that I’m good at utilising the hyperbole.
*Sigh* I have many more rants to write tonight, but for now feel free to enjoy some of my holiday snaps from my time in sunny Shrewsbury- yes, I know it’s not exactly Florida, but it’s as hot as I can deal with without passing out!
Listening to: Jenny was a Friend of Mine by The Killers; this is such a fucking creepy song! Seriously, I love it but it really scares me.