I’m writing this on the night before my last exam, by the time I post it my GCSE’s will be over.
I, however, feel like crap.
I’ve been going round and round in circles today, it started last night when I suddenly broke down and started properly crying in the early hours.
It’s all to do with my relationships and sex life- or lack of. No boy has ever looked at me in a romantic or even sexual way- I’ve never been in a relationship and I’ve never been kissed or held. I would put that I’ve never been touched but we all know why that wouldn’t be accurate.
I remember how I’ve always hidden under the duvet at night. I sleep on my mattress, with my duvet pulled up over my head and only a small hole for breathing. I have a vivid memory of crying one night, of being incredibly distressed and my dad running into my room and ripping the duvet off me. I remember the whole thing with incredible clarity, I especially remember how I had to scramble to pull my nightie down and cover myself- it had ridden up to about my waist. I then remember my dad leaning over me and shouting- and then the memory stops. For such a vivid, clear memory to stop so suddenly is terrifying. I know that he didn’t do anything- but the feeling of being exposed, of having my body on view and exposed and vulnerable to a physically large and angry man is one that I’ve never forgotten.
When I was about eleven I had to have an operation to have my molars taken out, I panicked and the doctors and nurses had to physically restrain me. I remember screaming and screaming for them to let go so that I could calm down but they wouldn’t, they held me down and shoved a fucking needle in me. Needless to say, I don’t trust doctors or medication anymore.
Then, a few years later I developed a bladder problem; recurring cystitis. Anyone who’s ever had it instantly knows how bad it is. I still get bouts of it now, usually occurring at the same time as my period (when I’m actually menstruating, which is a rare event in itself- I should probably explain that I frequently miss my period, even though I managed to get a regular cycle going last autumn. I put it down to depression) but what happened was that I had to go through about two years of doctors appointments to try and find a cure- and quite a few of those doctors wanted to have a look at my downstairs.
Everyone told me that it was normal, and that it wasn’t personal- just medical. But I hated every second of it. Just thinking about how I had to take my underwear off and let some stranger poke around makes me feel ill, I remember going back to school and it kept running around my head, over and over again: someone’s touched me- someone’s touched me- someone’s touched me. I felt so dirty and used and even now I wish I’d refused, I wish I’d just refused, because even now, three or so years on, I still feel sick and angry that I let them anywhere near me.
I keep having rape dreams, in one of them a man grabbed me and started running his hands over me- I tried to fight but I was drowned in exhaustion and couldn’t move a muscle. In another my vagina was torn- I could feel it, I could feel how big the hole was and I felt sick.
I can’t do this. I can’t live like this, I wake up in the morning feeling like I’ve spent the night being violated. People go on and on about how dreams can’t hurt you- that’s utter bullshit. I’m completely powerless and I feel angry and sick.
My mum still thinks I’m a child. She refers to adult things as ‘grown-up’ things. Why the hell do I have to experience all the downsides of being sexually mature, but none of the upsides?
Sometimes I wonder what the hell is wrong with me, my personality? The way I look? I’ve come to the conclusion that people can tell when you’re defective. It’s like in evolution when the runt of the litter is left to die. I’m the fucking runt.
I’m sick of getting bombarded with the downsides and darkness of sex. I’m sixteen. We’re supposed to be carefree and feel invincible. One more bad dream could be the last straw.
Most people have a monster in the closet.
I have a rapist under the bed.
Listening to: Marine Fields Glow by Esben and the Witch. Their music has a real trance like feel to it which I really enjoy, it’s not my favourite out of all their songs- but I would still highly reccomend it.