I had a dream last night.
As you know my dreams are a recurring problem- they mess with my head and my sense of reality constantly, so naturally having nightmares makes me even more messed up.
The dream I had last night has outstripped the others in the disturbing department, what happened is as follows:
In the dream I was in a house- not my own in real life but it was my house in the dream. It was me and my mum, I walked out of my room and down into the kitchen. Mum walked up to me and said: wren, I think there’s been someone in the house- you need to lock the windows.
She handed me the keys and I said: the windows? But no-one can come through the windows can they? I have my window open all the time.
In real life I have my window open a lot and I often open it when I’m having an episode, it calms me down and makes me feel safer and freer.
In the dream mum frowned and said: If you have it open all the time he might be in your room- lock the windows and check the house.
I remember walking into my room; it was a little room with grey floorboards, white walls and a bed. The windows were small and I locked them carefully, making sure each one was properly closed.
I then went to check the room, the entire time that I had been in the room I’d been feeling uneasy and scared. The only thing in the room was the bed, so underneath was the only possible hiding place. I bent and glanced under the bed, there was a dark lump underneath but I dismissed it out of fear, I didn’t want to admit what could be there.
Then my mum came in the room, paused and picked a hair up off the floor. She held it up, looked at me and said: that’s not your hair is it?
It was blonde, (I’m brunette) so we both knew the answer to that question. We looked under my bed and there was a man there.
After that things go a bit blurry- the police came and dragged him away for questioning and he admitted that he’d been hiding under there for weeks, and at night he would wait until I was asleep and then rape me. He’d been doing that several times every night.
He knew everything about me- every little detail. I spend a lot of time in my room, talking to myself and playing music and generally relaxing.
I remember being told- I already knew to an extent, I knew he was under the bed and I knew what he was doing, I just couldn’t admit it. I saw him in the police cells and I told him that I forgave him, and I told everyone that I didn’t want to mention it or think about it again, and then I woke up.
Make of this nightmare what you will- I think the themes are fairly obvious: remembering past trauma, not wanting to admit things that have happened, having something dark lurking in the corners, danger being everywhere… I could go on for a while.
Listening to: Transatlanticism by Death Cab for Cutie. This is such a beautiful, haunting song. I love it to bits, I’m a huge Death Cab fan, I love the way they build their songs up slowly and have a really raw feel to their music.