How am I in any way supposed to communicate with people who have no idea what it’s like to be… you know, mental?
It’s a question that has been running around in my head for the last six months or so- how am I supposed to interact with them? Talk to them? Deal with them?
As everyone I know falls into the category of ‘knows nothing about my mentalness’ this is a problem that frequently crops up. For example, when I try and explain stuff to my friends they think I’m joking or exaggerating- even when I put on my serious face.
So when I mix things up and people laugh and say that I must be hallucinating I leave the room and pace about for a bit thinking: Shit, my mind’s slipping away… instead of laughing and making some offensive comment about how I must be a nutter, and when my friend starts smacking my other friends arm with a pair of open scissors and laughs at the way I flinch it’s hard to communicate that it’s not funny.
To further illustrate my point I should elaborate by saying that in the above scenario said friend followed up the laughter by asking: what’s the matter Wren? Do you not like seeing people hurt themselves? In a sarcastic tone of voice. As you can imagine I gawped for a moment and then screeched that: No I don’t- stop it! To which he laughed and carried on.
It’s sort of hard to communicate that I’m not joking- that what he was doing wasn’t disturbing me, or making me squeamish, it was exciting me.
I hate it when I snap at people and they turn away and pull that face- you all know the one, the: Ooh, what’s crawled in her and died? Face. I want to smack them- or tell them the truth, that would knock them for six, but I don’t have about six hours to explain my life.
Someone should write a pamphlet: How to Deal with the Normals. Someone should also make me a sticker that says: Irony Magnet. As it seems to dominate my life, every time I walk out of the door someone says something stupidly ironic. Like my best friend stating loudly in English that: murder is much more common than suicide- nobody tries to kill themselves. Whilst I was in the room- the best part is that she knows that I’m suicide obsessed! And then my friend, just after we discovered that I’d had weird hallucination, said: You must be going mad Wren.
Hence the reason why my facial expressions deviate constantly between ‘bewildered/astonished’ and ‘freaking out’ and not much else.
I think one day I’m just going to have a total social breakdown and sit in the corner of some classroom laughing hysterically at people… it’s really the only sensible course of action.
Listening to: Dead To Me by Dyonisis. This is such a wonderfully hate filled song, with a really nice rock feel to it- though it manages to be easy on the ears with the beautiful, slightly ethereal singing.