When I said I’d take a break from this I meant a week or so- I’m pretty rubbish at maths (and dates and counting and general life) so please take this as the reason why one week turned into… three? Yeah, three weeks.
Anyway, a lot has happened in the last three weeks. We have a new member of the royal family, my mum woke me up at some stupid hour to watch, we all went and sat in the front room in our pyjamas, it was quite sweet.
We also think that I have depression. All we have to do now is wait for the psychiatrist to make a formal diagnoses but I’m almost certain that she’ll agree with what both my counsellor and my psych nurse have said- we’ve also been discussing medication, apparently it’s far too risky to give me anything because I’m ‘highly suicidal’ I’m not sure how I feel about that- I hate taking pills anyway, it freaks me out that I don’t know what’s in them, but I need something more than what I’m getting at the moment. That’s my mental health work is such an interesting profession- it’s not about fixing things, it’s about finding the solution that does the least damage, and it’s up to the individual to define what ‘damage’ is.
I also had a horrible night a few weeks ago when I started seeing shadows and hearing voices, I was wandering around the house in the early hours crying and whispering to the Shadow People, begging them to leave me alone.
Yeah, so all in all I haven’t been having a good time of it.
At the moment the problem seems to be dominance. I am submissive is social situations, especially with anyone older or bigger than me (that’s most people- I come in at five-foot-one) and this is something deeply ingrained in my behaviour, I’m quiet and good in class because I’m submitting, not because I’m shy. It’s always puzzled me- and my friends, they notice it more than most people. I do what the teachers want me to do because I don’t want to challenge their authority, their dominance.
Over the years I’ve learnt that it’s best to just let people do whatever they want to do and then slink away. That behaviour was so deeply ingrained in me that I didn’t respond or challenge it when the boys started doing what they did. I just sat there and let it happen.
It’s not because I’m weak, or because I’m a coward, it’s because I’m resigned. I was reading an article last night on something called learned helplessness. I think it really sums up what I’m talking about.
I have my last day at school tomorrow. I can’t believe it- all those years of praying and hating and crying- they’re finally over. I’ve always hated school; it’s a place that embodies my deepest fears: being surrounded by people, but totally alone; people I despise having power over me; being forced to lie- having people abuse their power and me being helpless. I want to get away from that place. I want to get away from the place where teachers and other people have power and control over me. I want to get away from the place where I was violated.
Listening to: Valensanimi by Seventh Harmonic. Being a drummer I love the epic drum beat in the background of this song. It gives a really cool ritual feel.