I remember years ago when I had a reputation for being utterly crap at lying. It was a well known joke amongst my friends: “Wren- we both know you can’t lie so just spit it out!” “You’re blushing again- you’ve gone bright red Wren, you might as well tell me…” etc, etc.
Looking back I don’t know what happened to that girl, I don’t know what happened to my non ability to lie- I don’t know where that went. It feels oddly jarring that something so well known in my group of friends changed so bitterly. It was always an in-joke, always something that we laughed about. I think it highlighted my honesty and integrity, that was one of my important characteristics, wren could be relied upon, wren could be trusted, wren was the voice of reason.
I still am the voice of reason- at least, I still pretend to be. My best friend M is totally hyper pretty much all the time. I stick with her not because she can support me, or because she cares about me (she doesn’t do either of these things, she reminds me of a spoilt child. She’s also incredibly naive.) I stick with her because when people see the two of us they see her being hyper and me being the sarcastic, down to earth, voice of reason. Her over the top behaviour helps to mask all the weird things that I do- totally blanking out, getting paranoid, sitting in a certain way, constant checks of my environment to make sure that everything’s how it should be- and makes me seem more normal. I enjoy being the sane one, the responsible one.
I don’t know what happened to the Wren who couldn’t lie for toffee, I think she had to learn the hard way- helped with a dose of ‘I know there’s something wrong with Wren but I can’t be bothered to help.’ A factor that still makes my blood boil- I resent that I have changed, but more than that, I resent that no-one’s noticed that I’ve changed. I resent that people are selfish and unwilling to help me because they’re scared. I’m scared. I’m damn scared- and it’s happening to me.
I’m angry, I’ve been angry for a very long time and it’s nothing new to me- but as time passes I want to let the anger out more and more. I want to stop lying and tell people the truth, but I’ll have to be really at the edge before I do that.
Anyway, I went to see my psych nurse yesterday. We talked about my dishonesty, and how I didn’t mention my mentalness to my best friend.
We came to the conclusion that I’m scared of ruining things, of breaking a friendship that’s really important to me- we also talked about how it’s confusing for me to be acting fine and happy when I’m seriously down or wound up and paranoid.
I should probably say that my friends constantly ask: “How are you?” to which I constantly reply. “I’m fine- I’m good.” And smile. The sick joke being that I say this all the time. The best times being when I’ve either cut myself up or am just about to- I also always say it before I have a meeting with either my psych nurse or my counsellor – something that she lamp-shaded a few months ago:
“You always come in here and say that you’re fine, you then sit down and proceed to tell me why that statement is false.”
So whatever I do I’m damned. If I lie I hurt myself, if I tell the truth I hurt my friends- and then myself… but part of me wants to hurt them. Is that wrong?
Wren used to be an awful liar. She got better.
Listening to: Violet Eyes by My Gold Mask. I have to listen to this song on full volume- and screech along with the chorus. The tune is slightly infectious.