I was in York on Wednesday and my best friend came round yesterday, so things have been a little hectic. Also, I’ve had a major editing session- hence the absence from blogging.
As predicted I failed to find a dress! I have under a month to find a dress, shoes and various other bits. It’s hard being a teenage girl.
Yesterday was weird; my best friend came round for a couple of hours. I haven’t seen her since I was… god, thirteen? We just chatted about school and random stuff; nothing came up about either my mentalness or my religion. It felt weird leaving the two major parts of my life unexplored. I felt a little bit hollow to tell the truth. Part of me is resigned; she’s just become someone else that I have to lie to. The thing is that I can’t risk losing her as a friend; I’m too scared about how she’ll take things.
Maybe one day when we’re older I’ll tell her, the problem seems to be maturity and life experience- although my mother didn’t exactly take it well as she has plenty of both things.
York was lovely, we found a shop that sold jewellery made from Whitby jet and amber, I was practically drooling over the display cases. We also found a music shop that specialised in folk instruments; I was staring lovingly at a bodhran for about ten minutes until my mother prised me away.
I have a meeting with my psych nurse tomorrow. That should be fun- I’m not entirely sure what to say to her, I don’t think ‘I feel weird’ qualifies as an adequate problem. However, whilst it may not be the most helpful or descriptive interpretation of my feelings it is certainly accurate. I do feel very weird- I feel sort of, tense and a bit sick. Like a feeling of foreboding. Seeing as I’m in the middle of a two week holiday and have nothing to do I should be feeling very relaxed, but I don’t.
The only thing that I’m worried about is that the last time I felt like this was at the start of last half term, only then I felt it really strongly- I felt like something bad was going to happen, something really bad. About a month later I tried to kill myself. You can see where this is going.
I have no idea whether this is all simply a self fulfilling prophecy, I feel doomed therefore I make myself doomed, but the interesting thing is that I can trace this feeling back to one point in time and one source.
That point in time is my third suicide attempt, it was at the start of my breakdown in early October 2009, ever since then I’ve had this feeling- like I’ve been living on borrowed time.
It’s one of the things that features most heavily in my day to day life, it’s constant, all the time- I sit and watch the clock and feel like I shouldn’t be here. I feel like I should be long dead. Every minute, every second is borrowed. I’m going to die, I’m going to kill myself- and there’s nothing I can do to change it.
Wren is living on borrowed time.
Listening to: Inside Out by Dyonisis. Gospel singing + rock guitars= Dyonisis. Inside out starts off gospel with violins and then the guitars come in near the end. The sound is fairly epic.